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Hello! My name is Dane, also known as Mar if you're from certain circles of the internet.

This is mostly a vent blog to document my moods and thoughts that I want to get off my chest, and note certain cycles for analysation purposes. I do post about other things, though, and I try not to let this journal get too excessively theatrical. I'm in my early twenties, I think I'm a little old for that. :p

But it is a vent blog. Opinions expressed here are out of context, and probably not entirely fair depictions of the people involved. And it doesn't especially make for the best read! If you're checking me out because I put you on my reading list, reciprocity is definitely not expected.

Small facts about myself for newcomers:

  • I am non-binary! This essentially just means that, when I am in my forties, I will probably undergo a medical transition, but I have no desire for it to aversely affect my career or personal life prior to that, so I'm just sucking it up in the meanwhile. You can use whatever standard pronoun you want. It's the internet, I really don't give a shit.
  • I am not white!
  • I am in my early twenties, I have diagnosed OCD, and I use a cane sometimes. Cars can fuck you up, man.
  • Sometimes I write! Mostly original stuff and fandom OCs, but I may start posting kink meme fills on here as well. We'll see!
  • My tags are mostly self-explanatory, I think, and they're located on the sidebar.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I severely, severely fucked up on Wednesday, to the extent that I would not have been surprised if I started vomiting blood, and was half expecting I would. I did not, thankfully, but I'm still half certain that I tore one of the spots in my stomach or something else, because it was just a complete fucking mess.

Everyone is tired of me locking myself up into small spaces and crying over being in pain at this point, but I think I'm at the top of the list, haha. I guess I should be happy that I'm such a feather weight that I don't actually gain weight? Otherwise, this would all be even more infuriating to deal with.

(I would like to be able to gain back a little bit of weight, though. Was at 112lbs again in full clothes and my steel toes on Thursday, I'm not keen to find out how much I weigh without them.)

I'm in a Mood(tm) today, which is aggravating, and the worst part of it all is.. I don't know how to really deal with them? Maybe I'll just go home and sleep. Or reorganise BWIC and set up its queue, I guess, because that's simple, people have requested it, and it'll make me happier, hopefully. Maybe.

I have yet another doctors appointment after work, so that's a thing. I think I need to schedule another, but I need to ask my sister to check - I'm so frustrated that I'm not pulling my weight on this part of things, but I'm frankly.. it's inherently selfish to sit here and be relieved that I can rely on her to help me with this, but she's great and I'm really, really glad.
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All of my mum's friends are dying the past few years, and it's troubling. I feel like I should have more thoughts on it, but no, it's pretty much just that.

There's no way for me to talk about my personal sexuality without puffing up defensively before the conversation's even begun, but I've been trying to, and I think the clarifications and discussions have been useful? They're hideously uncomfortable. They're going to stay hideously uncomfortable, I think. But at the same time: it's good to actually be working through shit, I guess. Sometimes progress feels like swallowing glass, but sometimes you have to blow through it anyway.

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Aaah, usually I manage not to monopolise conversations through sheer het up ire, and then it happens, and I kind of want to crawl under a desk for awhile.

Apologising doesn't matter so much as not being inconsiderate enough to do it in the first place. But it's a good reminder not to jump into conversations when I'm already riled up, especially online, where I can't watch faces and catch the hint that I'm talking a little much.

(or maybe this is just anxiety through and through, because I'm riled up and in pain? IDK. I wish I was asleep, haha.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay, fuck it, part of being an adult is clawing through issues that I'd rather pour acid on and set on fire than actually confront, so time to tear through them. It's a little frustrating that talking about other people's issues is perfectly fine, but even confronting mine sideways makes me want to commit arson rather than actually deal with it: it feels like a direct challenge to the fact, if it weren't for these fucking health issues, I'd be a fully competent adult. Fully competent adults don't have problems, goddamnit.

Cut for sideways reference to sex.

not detailed, but still tmi )  OKAY, GAY CRISIS OVER, TIME TO NOT THINK ABOUT THIS UNTIL NEXT YEAR AGAIN.
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On the plus side, I think I puzzled out what the fuck is giving me this mysterious allergic reaction of itching and now welts? I forgot to wash these shorts I bought before I actually wore them, and.. I can't do that, I'm allergic to basically every washing powder ever. |D So I've swapped them out and banished all the sets to the washer, and hopefully, hopefully I can return to a life where I do not want to scour off my limbs with sandpaper and/or calomine lotion.

(It's not that bad, but I hate welts.)

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I am mildly resentful of everything, and also of life in general, whenever I find myself actually thinking about my sexuality.

Which is probably a "you should talk about this", or alternatively "maybe go to a therapist and talk about it", but - it's not actually a therapist issue, and also, I already know what the answer will be, which is to stop being such a fucking closetcase about everything.

But also: bluuuuuuh. Time to shove this in a box and deal with it during the Annual Thanksgiving Gay Panic instead. This is, like, four months early and I fucking hate it.
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I am tired and morose right now, so obviously, I'm going to feel better in the morning. Current schedule is 8hrs, 30ms of sleep, which.. hopefully will make me feel better? We'll see, I guess!

On the topic of being morose: I resent myself sometimes in that clinginess is something viscerally distasteful to me, and it keeps me, in general, from seeking out affection a great deal. This is something I should try to change, I think, but it's one thing to say I should change it and another to actually figure out how to do so in an efficient manner. Thoughts for tomorrow, I guess.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 Further thoughts:

I think the main issue for me in life is that I've always had a visceral distaste towards the idea of dating women? Because, alright, banging a girl does not mean you're necessarily gay: it means that you want to have sex, and this person was willing to have sex with you. Like, there's never been a question of the fact girls are hot in my mind. We all live in a society where women are explicitly sexualised from the very start of puberty, back before they're even women. So many of my conversations as a teenager regularly include figuring out if this girl is hot or not, if this girl needs a reduction or if she needs a lift, figuring out ways in which this person could be more attractive, ect, ect, and it was catty bullshit, but also -

It was literally a cataloguing of ways in which we, random teenage girls, could make this random female stranger's appearance more sexually attractive to us.

So I've never really had an issue with figuring out women were hot. But actually dating a woman would be absolutely fucking gay, and thus it was something I always explicitly shut down, because NO, NOPE, NOT PROVING ANYONE RIGHT. And then, when I was identifying as a guy, it was "oh, like HELL there's any part of my identity that I will ever allow to be heterosexual".

Idk, it's.. interesting, I guess. I figured out last year that, no, I guess there are girls and enbies that I would actually really enjoy dating, but all of my Gay Girl Panics have always revolved around dating, not the fact I'm attracted in the first place. 

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Sort of weird to realise that I sort of have a vastly different experience than a lot of people in LGBT circles, haha. I mean, I forget mostly because - I spent my formative years in groups of people who had been raised and treated with the assumption that they were gay from a very early age, and were treated poorly due to it. That's my experience! That's the people I grew up hearing the stories of.

So every time someone's like "ah, yes, I didn't even realise homosexuality was an option", it's always a bit.. okay, well, how? I don't think there's a time after age six that I didn't have someone assuming I was a huge lesbian. Everyone still assumes I'm a huge lesbian. I'm not sure how people even manage to pass as average, heterosexual citizens at this point, because I don't think I've ever actually managed it, haha.

This isn't distressing or anything else! And I've gotten used to it sufficiently since graduating and moving out of those peer circles entirely that I know what to say, I've figured out what the responses people want are, and I can get where they're coming from. It's always just mildly surreal when there's conversations where large groups of people are offering up shared experiences, and it's like.. no, sorry, I can relate to precisely 1% of that.

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 CASUAL FRIEND: [some deeply personal fact stated casually]
ME: you,, know I'm not reciprocating that, right

I see her prompting, but nooooooo. It's not even anything personal! I just am full up on deep interpersonal connections rn. And possibly forever. TOO MUCH ENERGY.
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It's vaguely surreal whenever my body decides, oh, hey, you're actually hungry, because.. it really does not feel any different from just wanting to puke, at this point. But I'm going to shovel food down my gullet anyway, and hope for the best. Having a set calorie count to meet every day doesn't necessarily do a lot to make me want to eat, but it gives me a goal that makes it easier to eat, if that makes sense? Which is nice.

I quit pop cold turkey, and I'm always mildly mystified as to how people have such issues with this? I mean, yes, obviously, I want fucking caffeine. No caffeine and no pain-killers have combined to make me feel like a glorified sloth, both in terms of how much I want to do and how much I actually feel like I have the energy to do. But.. it's just a drink, ultimately? IDK, addiction is such a big thing, and it runs in my family, and I don't quite get it. But I guess it's, like.. OCD, but on a biological level, haha, so maybe I'm just not going to ever especially get it, in the same way people don't understand OCD.

I'm going through a vain period again. I just really like the way I look! My face is 50%/50% on how much I can tolerate it, but I'm generally always okay with my body, which is nice. Upon further contemplation, I think my face issues are just.. I always internalise myself as being long-faced and heavy-lidded, which is a thing from very specific angles, and then I look in the mirror and realise oh! no! that's not the case from the others! and things get weird.

.. but yeah, just really into the way I look right now. Which: vanity is a little silly, haha. There are cuter people out there! But there's just something very satisfying about my mental image and physical appearance matching up, and hitting something I can go "oh, hey, that's hot!" about. So sparkly emojis at myself, I guess!

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Every time I'm like "hmm, I think I trounced my dysphoria", it pops up in weird new ways.

Like: I've always been very femme! Even when I was presenting as a guy, it was very much as a highly effeminate /gay guy/, for all that I've always stayed firmly in slacks and sweaters and skinny jeans. And my presentation is just getting more femme, the older I get, because femininity is what I find attractive, so.. why wouldn't I want to look that way? I like my appearance, I want to look attractive, so I dress in a way that I find to be attractive to myself.

But man, even when I'm contemplating buying pink slacks, the idea of anyone honestly mistaking me as a woman skeeves me the fuck out.

.. honestly, I'm lucky that I'm fairly androgynous in appearance and build, otherwise I'd be spiralling back into the fifty layers of my youth, instead of being largely content with hitting the "it's a 50%/50% chance of gay guy or gay girl,but either way, That's Gay" line I'm hitting now.
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Crushes are weird! Looking back at the occasional bursts of INTENSE FONDNESS is always a bit mystifying in hindsight, because logically, yes, I'm aware of the strength of it, but at the same time, it's like - wwwwhy.

I can't imagine how people ever sustain that for a relationship. Maybe I'm just too hot and cold, haha.
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Being low-key furious at everyone and everything is not productive, especially when there isn't even really a reason. I know it's technically just because I'm stressed and loathing going back to work, but.. ugh. I'm somewhere between "desperately do anything to keep myself from thinking about everything", and "furious and tearful because I hate fucking everything".

That is an exaggeration. I don't, I'm just in a mood, and, okay,  breaking it down further:

> managed 500 calories yesterday, have only had 370 calories today. This is probably the big factor, but I've hit the point where I feel fine enough that the idea of eating is making me cry, because I am so sick of being in fucking pain. This is probably contributing to low blood sugar, and leaving me in my current duress.

> I just want to quit my job at this point, but that's not viable for every reason, mostly in that this medication costs 700 dollars a pop. FML.

> I am so frustrated that my two year plan has been completely decimated by the fact I'm sick, and I'm so, so, so goddamn tired of being sick. I am tired of living at home. It is incredibly hard not to conceptualise "living at home at 25" with the fact, if I wasn't fucking sick, I would be in an entirely different situation, and I'd actually be on course for my fucking plan, not acting like some kind of invalid.

> I am going to get guilt-tripping about skipping out on taking a three hour drive to visit people. I think there's five people in the entire goddamn world that I'd be willing to drive three hours to see, dealing with that traffic, at the best of times. None of these people are on that list. And they're not going to make guilting noises at me, because people know I won't respond, they're going to make them at my sister, and that's going to make me feel awful, because I hate when she has to deal with any additional stress, because her life is ten times busier than mine.

> I have been dealing with low-key guilt tripping all day and I can't fucking do that. It's miserable, it's toxic, I don't know why people keep doing this to me when they know it fucks with me, because I've said it multiple times. orz

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Whining aside, I can deal with my stomach pain. It's nbd. It sucks, I don't want to and I will avoid aggravating it when I can, but I can deal.

What I cannot deal with is stomach pain, uterine pain, my hip is being a jackass because the humidity had me limping, AND I have a headache that feels like the early stages of a migraine.

Time to get another nine hours of sleep, I guess.
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 I am so, so, so bad at dealing with actual high level amounts of pain, and I forget until I start having to do it. Holy shit.

I mean, okay, I'm getting things done and moving and processing work, bc I fucking have to, that's not an option regardless of how shitty I feel. I also just am having this endless goddamn thought loop of "THIS HURTS, HOW DO I FIX IT" and there are no solutions to this!

Also, I'm almost out of water already and I'm going to go mildly batshit if I have to walk all the way to the kitchenette to refill it. I was low-key getting aggro/distressed over how much everyone was babying me over the weekend, but now it's like OH YEAH I REMEMBER WHY, because this sucks and life sucks and I still have a full day of errands after this. FML. 


hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
God, I'm just stressing over everything. The cost of being in pain: walking to my office leaves me feeling like shit even an hour later, and even holing up for the weekend and trying not to move more than is necessary is still did jack and shit in the long run, except not making it worse.

And that makes me want to stress over focusing on it, haha. Which, okay, tiny inconsequential thing for me to fuss unhappily over:

I am food motivated! 99% of my happiness at any given time comes from food. It is just the way I'm wired, I think, and/or a result of always being hungry. So usually, my birthday gift to myself is, like, getting something to eat that's delicious and I don't usually get.

Every single thing I would get for my birthday, I cannot, because it's on my "not allowed" list.

On the plus side, I'm picking up meds from the pharmacy later, so maybe this will magically clear up in the next seven days. Maybe, maybe.
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 My sister made the point that if I was a supervillain, I'd be the type that, upon being caught, is like: "Oh! I didn't want to do this, but.. I guess you've pushed me to it. I should clarify, I didn't used to be a bad person, but.. there's citizens now exploding all across the city, hero. Right now! Isn't it a shame you're here with me instead?"

And yes, accurate. I'm a control freak, and people just steadily forget that, because I'm really high strung and that makes me passive to try and make up for it. But: if you can't control a situation, just fucking escalate it until no one else can, either!

It's a bad tendency. I am not doing that at work, bc it's a bad tendency. But oh my god, I'm tempted, because it just took thirty minutes to hype myself up into reading my emails, and there was nothing there, and no one's been in my office, which is just.. I don't know, I spent an hour a month ago trying to explain why I'm so terrified/furious of/about people invading my privacy, even when that really isn't the case, and.. it comes down to control, I guess. I like being in control, I get stressed and anxious and tearfully angry when I feel like people are taking even a small part of that from me.

.. this is not especially coherent. I'm in so much fucking pain, haha, it's remarkably hard to actually keep a straight thought going very well, which is always an awful experience. Esp because it's like, no wonder people think I'm flighty and dumb when I get like this? I speak and I know exactly what I mean and I'm still wincing, because it sounds frazzled and daft. orz

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Two day fever!

I am not super clear why I keep getting these? I mean, this time it's fine, the anaesthesia paper was like "you might run a fever afterwards, nbd". It's low grade, so I literally do not give a fuck at this point, tbfh, largely because it's sort of nice to be in the position of "too warm for once. LOOK, MA, NO BLANKET. /o/

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