hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

Hello! My name is Dane, also known as Mar if you're from certain circles of the internet.

This is mostly a vent blog to document my moods and thoughts that I want to get off my chest, and note certain cycles for analysation purposes. I do post about other things, though, and I try not to let this journal get too excessively theatrical. I'm in my early twenties, I think I'm a little old for that. :p

But it is a vent blog. Opinions expressed here are out of context, and probably not entirely fair depictions of the people involved. And it doesn't especially make for the best read! If you're checking me out because I put you on my reading list, reciprocity is definitely not expected.

Small facts about myself for newcomers:

  • I am non-binary! This essentially just means that, when I am in my forties, I will probably undergo a medical transition, but I have no desire for it to aversely affect my career or personal life prior to that, so I'm just sucking it up in the meanwhile. You can use whatever standard pronoun you want. It's the internet, I really don't give a shit.
  • I am not white!
  • I am in my early twenties, I have diagnosed OCD, and I use a cane sometimes. Cars can fuck you up, man.
  • Sometimes I write! Mostly original stuff and fandom OCs, but I may start posting kink meme fills on here as well. We'll see!
  • My tags are mostly self-explanatory, I think, and they're located on the sidebar.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Whining aside, I can deal with my stomach pain. It's nbd. It sucks, I don't want to and I will avoid aggravating it when I can, but I can deal.

What I cannot deal with is stomach pain, uterine pain, my hip is being a jackass because the humidity had me limping, AND I have a headache that feels like the early stages of a migraine.

Time to get another nine hours of sleep, I guess.
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 I am so, so, so bad at dealing with actual high level amounts of pain, and I forget until I start having to do it. Holy shit.

I mean, okay, I'm getting things done and moving and processing work, bc I fucking have to, that's not an option regardless of how shitty I feel. I also just am having this endless goddamn thought loop of "THIS HURTS, HOW DO I FIX IT" and there are no solutions to this!

Also, I'm almost out of water already and I'm going to go mildly batshit if I have to walk all the way to the kitchenette to refill it. I was low-key getting aggro/distressed over how much everyone was babying me over the weekend, but now it's like OH YEAH I REMEMBER WHY, because this sucks and life sucks and I still have a full day of errands after this. FML. 

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God, I'm just stressing over everything. The cost of being in pain: walking to my office leaves me feeling like shit even an hour later, and even holing up for the weekend and trying not to move more than is necessary is still did jack and shit in the long run, except not making it worse.

And that makes me want to stress over focusing on it, haha. Which, okay, tiny inconsequential thing for me to fuss unhappily over:

I am food motivated! 99% of my happiness at any given time comes from food. It is just the way I'm wired, I think, and/or a result of always being hungry. So usually, my birthday gift to myself is, like, getting something to eat that's delicious and I don't usually get.

Every single thing I would get for my birthday, I cannot, because it's on my "not allowed" list.

On the plus side, I'm picking up meds from the pharmacy later, so maybe this will magically clear up in the next seven days. Maybe, maybe.
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 My sister made the point that if I was a supervillain, I'd be the type that, upon being caught, is like: "Oh! I didn't want to do this, but.. I guess you've pushed me to it. I should clarify, I didn't used to be a bad person, but.. there's citizens now exploding all across the city, hero. Right now! Isn't it a shame you're here with me instead?"

And yes, accurate. I'm a control freak, and people just steadily forget that, because I'm really high strung and that makes me passive to try and make up for it. But: if you can't control a situation, just fucking escalate it until no one else can, either!

It's a bad tendency. I am not doing that at work, bc it's a bad tendency. But oh my god, I'm tempted, because it just took thirty minutes to hype myself up into reading my emails, and there was nothing there, and no one's been in my office, which is just.. I don't know, I spent an hour a month ago trying to explain why I'm so terrified/furious of/about people invading my privacy, even when that really isn't the case, and.. it comes down to control, I guess. I like being in control, I get stressed and anxious and tearfully angry when I feel like people are taking even a small part of that from me.

.. this is not especially coherent. I'm in so much fucking pain, haha, it's remarkably hard to actually keep a straight thought going very well, which is always an awful experience. Esp because it's like, no wonder people think I'm flighty and dumb when I get like this? I speak and I know exactly what I mean and I'm still wincing, because it sounds frazzled and daft. orz

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Two day fever!

I am not super clear why I keep getting these? I mean, this time it's fine, the anaesthesia paper was like "you might run a fever afterwards, nbd". It's low grade, so I literally do not give a fuck at this point, tbfh, largely because it's sort of nice to be in the position of "too warm for once. LOOK, MA, NO BLANKET. /o/
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Every time they do anything, my body turns out to be a worthless piece of shit in a new way.

And they're recommending ice packs, because I can no longer take pain medication. Jesus fucking christ. I don't know how I'm supposed to work with this. And I'm just frustrated because I'm still sedated and can't walk a straight line, and nothing makes me vaguely murderous than realising that it's affecting my fucking brain and I just can't see it right now, but.

Ugh ugh ugh. Three more hours of this drive to go. And I am overheating, **and** I want to cry, because the numbing part of the anaesthesia is completely off and everything fucking hurts again.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Incredibly stupid shit my mother said to me the other day:

"Well, I don't even know what the point of living is, when my body is a PRISON and I can't do anything I want."

I ended up going "LOL R U SRS, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO", but I'm so fucking tired of everyone everywhere and their casual alarming shit for the sake of emotional manipulation. It doesn't work, I don't fucking care, be an adult, act your age and stop trying to use the fact I arguably give a shit about you as a hammer to make me give you the responses you want.

(And tomorrow, I'm getting a tube down my throat. And my sister has to stay in the endoscopy room the entire time, per hospital policies, so she can't get lunch. Stress stress stress.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Slept fine, sister woke me up by first dropping laundry in my room, then exiting and re-entering like five times. "Pull the cover over your head and go back to sleep until 45," she sez.

I do so, and proceed to have a long dreamcycle dominated by my mother having a screaming, raging, breaking thing fit to the levels she used to when we were kids. Greeeeeeat.

I hope this endoscopy finds something so badly. If it does, I won't need this health insurance. I'll be able to apply to a new job, get an apartment, and have my parents be, by large and large, someone that is not my sister and I's problem for another ten years.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I feel like my retreat into looking pretty whenever I get toov stressed is representative of something unpleasant on our society. But if finding nice lipstick sales makes me feel better, whatever.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am glad that I have spent so long aggressively cultivating my confidence and self esteem. Because my brain can chase its tail all that it wants to, but my reflexive "LOL DUCK OFF" wrt stupid thoughts is on 100% power, haha.

God, I'm tired. And stressed! I guess it's good to actually just say that: I am stressed and I am coping better than I did in years past, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything by itself. Neither does being stressed, honestly. The work is still going to get done regardless of how increasingly ferrety it makes me feel to do it, because.. I mean, what's the point of being an adult if you can't process your feelings, evaluate them, and then compartmentalise to the point you can make things happen anyway?

One of my dads coworkers is a racist fuckwaffle who kept referring to Obama as a nigger. So my dad is currently doing both of their work by himself, as he told the guy to fuck off and never speak to him again unless it's passing parts, and.. it's the way he said it that made me lol, in a guilty way?

"Oh, just fuck off. Your feelings! Goddamn, I am so sick of hearing about all of your fucking FEELINGS, it's going to give me hives."

And - I think that's a good thing for me to remember? Feelings are not relevant to work. Stress is not relevant to work. You focus on it and you ignore everything else and you get shit done.

(but man, I'm stressed. |D)
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So many stress dreams. Usually I write them down, but I don't think I want to, just to ensure it will never fucking repeat.

Little signs that I am stressed: when I've managed to completely scratch up my neck, because my nervous tic of "scratch neck, say HM" is now occurring 24/7 and GUESS WHAT I HAVE. NAILS.

but also when I realised I hadn't talked to someone yet that day and I got the full body, sinking horror of "oh for fucks sake, did she kill herself?"

She is not one of the people I know who's suicidal, so it was literally just the result of worrying after another friend and projecting, but christ. I am so stressed, and I don't even know what to do about it at this point.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I think my thought process is entering the batshit range tonight, but ugh.

> Didn't eat dinner, because I have been getting weirdly, intensely painfully full from even eating small shit, and I ate a hummus pack. 300 calories! So I wasn't hungry for the next six hours, and then I got nauseous, and then I got anxious about the fact eating felt like it'd make me puke.

so I managed to down about three bites of the burrito I made, got sick, and so I guess I'm just.. rocking 600 or so calories today. And that's not helping my mood, but

> I'd feel so much better about being in pain if it wasn't for the way it makes me act? I'm being so fucking clingy and it's just.. it'd be fine if this was the sort of thing I could deflect through my usual social processes of "bug different groups of people each day", but I feel awful and I just want to hide out with set people. Except I feel awful, and that means I get weepy, and when I'm weepy, I don't want to deal with people.

I'm just. Flip-flopping on wanting to be around people or not, an dthen only wanting to be around SET PEOPLE, and whenever I have stipulations like that, it drives me batshit. Because god, do I hate clinginess. Especially in myself.

> I am, at this point, as tired of being stressed as I am tired of being in pain. And all I want to do is write fluff, but I don't have the energy to write fluff, and my canon ship for fluff is basically sunk, and uuuugh.

> I wish I could stop getting salty over that? Or over other internet stuff, because.. it's not worth it, at all, but here we are: me being a fucking salt mine of distress and woe over paltry internet games, who would've guessed. (I also wish I could stop getting salty at friends, but I think.. this is just not a good year so far for me staying impartial, because ughh.)

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay, I feel better, awful giant cat has decided the solution to me being in pain lately is just to lie down directly on top of my stomach and purr.

And it's painful in a different way! A DISTRACTING WAY. and the purring is soothing. so that's all good.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Step one of being Mar:

Take a bite of your dinner, dry-heave, burst into furious tears and then discover you're running a fever.

So my complete inability to just fucking deal with anything has a slight excuse, I guess.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Stomach trying to crawl out of my mouth, it's nbd.

I hate that I can't win by not eating, I can't win by eating, I can't win by eating only very set things. I'm at the point where, courtesy of throwing them up, I am finding it very difficult to eat fried eggs. The texture is literally just making me gag.

And grilled cheeses make me less sick than everything else, but still sick, and it's just. Ugh. I'm in less pain than I was last year. I'm at a better place than 2015, and definitely better than 2014. Each year the symptoms are getting better in some ways as I learn to accommodate them, and the food sitch is much better than it used to be, even as much as I complain...

But I wish I didn't have to deal with this at all.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I was going to post something about how my mood directly correlates to my stress, because the office is empty and nothing is on fire, and I'm bouncy and cheerful and chatty at everyone rn, but then I thought about it.

Pffffff. 💙💙❤
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Tfw your fondness spirals very, very abruptly from friendly acquaintances to actual affection, haha.

Also, note to self: DD more on the "I like people, but I assume everyone is some degree of terrible" mindset? Because it's not something I actually have to explain a lot, and I have no idea how to explain it, necessarily, beyond "??? how do you assume everyone's not terrible?"

Which sounds melodramatic and teenie-esque! So.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I think friends grow on me like vines, man. Someone can be awkward enough that they drive me batty at points, but I still look up one day and I'm inexplicably fond.

Case in point: I like this girl, but I did have a 30 second pause of "I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING SOUL" before I decided her text was funny.

(Her text was just "how's the internal organs?" Like, OKAY, YEAH I GUESS THAT'S HOW WE CAN START THIS CONVO.) (the fuck. QuQ)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 And in other news: on my birthday, I'll have 1k to spend on something fun! I have absolutely zero idea of anything to spend it on, so it'll honestly probs get cashed out and out into THE SAFE, but I'm pleased that my savings are almost at the point where I can do that.

(And once I hit 6k in THE SAFE, I can toss that at a loan, too, and wipe it out totally. My car is functionally paid off at this point, in terms of long term planning. DEBT FREE BY 26 REMAINS A POSSIBILITY, if I just keep on track.)


hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

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