hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)


Hello! My name is Dane, also known as Mar if you're from certain circles of the internet.

This is mostly a vent blog to document my moods and thoughts that I want to get off my chest, and note certain cycles for analysation purposes. I do post about other things, though, and I try not to let this journal get too excessively theatrical. I'm in my early twenties, I think I'm a little old for that. :p

But it is a vent blog. Opinions expressed here are out of context, and probably not entirely fair depictions of the people involved. And it doesn't especially make for the best read! If you're checking me out because I put you on my reading list, reciprocity is definitely not expected.

Small facts about myself for newcomers:

  • I am non-binary! This essentially just means that, when I am in my forties, I will probably undergo a medical transition, but I have no desire for it to aversely affect my career or personal life prior to that, so I'm just sucking it up in the meanwhile. You can use whatever standard pronoun you want. It's the internet, I really don't give a shit.
  • I am not white!
  • I am in my early twenties, I have diagnosed OCD, and I use a cane sometimes. Cars can fuck you up, man.
  • Sometimes I write! Mostly original stuff and fandom OCs, but I may start posting kink meme fills on here as well. We'll see!
  • My tags are mostly self-explanatory, I think, and they're located on the sidebar.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 Interesting thing, I guess: my brain is so hyperfocused on getting married and people being in love rn because EVERYONE I KNOW is basically getting married, if they're twenty five or older. And I'm about to hit twenty five.

I'm gonna officially be a statistical outlier for my peer group, and for all that I'm soundly disinclined, my desire to conform and mesh into a group at all times is.. apparently not cool with that. C'MON, BRAIN, I DON'T NEED TO BE EXTRA ABOUT BEING PERFECTLY NORMAL AT *ALL* TIMES.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 Also part of the dream: an extended debate on when you know that you should marry someone, and if it can happen immediately after meeting them, and if not, when should it happen, ect ect ect ---

Like, n, brain, chill. We are doing NOT DYING (down from 119lb at doctors office to 113lb at home again, because I guess my body is an asshole), and on making money, not relationships or dating, both of which run directly counter to MAKING MONEY. >:(
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
1) Frequently, I'm just like "I HAVE ENOUGH CHILDREN, GTFO" about strangers coming into my inbox, especially if they're from tumblr. Like, the age does not actually MATTER, what matters is the fact they're overly anxious, grown-ass adults who have to suck it up and act like an adult offline, so online, they lean into being ~*frail*~ and ~*anxious*~. Like, nnnnnnnnnno. My quota of "people I will coddle" is thoroughly full, pls fuck off.

.. I say, coddling them anyway. Fuck my entire life. People keep latching onto me, and then I feel bad about prying them off like barnacles after a month or so.

2) First major modding issue in my roleplay chat came down to someone feeling that another player overstepped their boundaries, but had not felt comfortable in the moment of saying so, and now they+their friend were.. vaguely jealous of all the attention Player1 was getting. The entire conversation was on-going emphasis of "guys, you have to communicate 1) your character ideas, 2) what you want from a roleplay, and 3) WITH US, because we can solve it in the moment, but it gets much more difficult if you're feeling bad afterwards and you don't want to retcon it, y'know?" My co-mod is a modern marvel, LET IT BE SAID.

3) Was up from 2:50-3:30AM trying not to puke, and mostly not succeeding. It's a little frustrating, haha. Also frustrating: I flaked out on calling this fucking Cleveland Clinic like, two days in a row, so now I've got to see if they've got an appointment next week for their endoscopy. They said they don't trust my metabolism, especially given my history of pain-killers not working, so they're flat-out knocking me out for the procedure.

I hope they do? I feel like a huge fuck-up for not calling earlier, but - hell-week all of Thursday, where I was getting off work after they closed, Tuesday I forgot bc desperately trying to play catch-up with my cases, and on Wednesday, I worked through lunch and was in a furor to get to work on time. I mean, that's all fucking excuses, but. :[

4) Weird dreams about marrying a friend, in between sections of a deeply fucked up psychological horror involving long-term gaslighting of a kid in post-nuclear USA. Brain, pls.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 Who needs organs?

Also known as "it's 3AM, and guess who's awake vomiting".
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Couple of things! 
 
> Sister got me a fitbit. I am allergic to something in the paint for it, if not the silicone itself: I wore it for a day and now I have eczema,  and also a line across my wrist. I've just switched wrists for now, haha.
 
> I've been thinking about the Cass thing and discussing it very slowly with both offline friends, and C/B, and.. hm. 
 
It's just uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. Part of it is, like.. I think being upset about the way that people view your characters is silly. But Pheres is one of my unambiguously ethnic characters, which is a choice I made deliberately - every feature that could read as non-white, I made non-white. So when other characters - played by white players - consistently say things like his natural hair texture makes him look stupid, it is actually really aggravating.
 
And when one person consistently has her characters pick on that trait - along with the rest of his appearance, mind, but highlighting his hair especially - it makes me want to, friend or not, be a huge asshole in response.
 
And then, when you add that into the fact she's constantly putting down the character, it feels.. awfully racialised? She has all of her characters treat him as incompetent, malicious and childish. She mocks the biggest indicator of ethnicity (curly hair). She treats him, ooc, as perpetually unreasonable, and all together, I've just started getting a sinking feeling every time she has her characters interact with him or his sister, because while he gets treated like an idiot that needs to be put into his place, she just flat out has her characters dislike or ignore the sister.
 
Which, uh, isn't better.
 
Especially when all of her attention is focused on the two characters who DID "put him in his place", and are explicitly both Euroamerican culturally. And one of whom explicitly behaved hideously abusively, and the other whom just was a dick who took advantage of a teenager, and.. she's turned the first thing into a joke? One that has left my character highly aggro about hers, but also, like...
 
IDK, it bothers me that people are aware ooc, but there's no way for it to ever come up IC without sabotaging Maecii's CR thoroughly. Or making sure that I don't.. want any of my characters ever interacting with them again, haha.
 
Because "she is repeatedly throwing my dead romantic partners name and barbs about him to my face at me, for no reason, after he TRIED TO KILL ME. She has threatened me.  She's broken into my fucking house, and all I ever did was offer to share my clothes and say we should go shopping, because we're both goths" is not something that strikes me as an upsetting chain of events, OOC, but the idea that it's something that would happen and my character gets punished ic for being a fucking victim is 1)seriously not something I ever want to play, and 2) actually kind of fucking distressing, on every level, considering that I'm not at all certain this is not some discomforting expression of racism with the purpose of putting a non-white dude in his place. Not that I think Cass would ever think of it that way, but this is terrifyingly coming close to that in actual play, and...
 
Like, okay, my city is hella racist. The USA is hella racist. I already have to worry about someone deciding I'm being uppity IRL and taking offense, or going to the wrong part of town at the wrong time, or one of our resident neo nazis deciding to make a point about race mixing, or getting pulled over by a cop and fucking shot. I've been trying to downplay this, but it's moved past "I am being silly" and onto "I don't care if I'm being silly, when the idea of your friend paying attention to your character makes you feel stressed, this is the point to disconnect those plots".
 
So! That's what I'm doing. Part of me is like "talk this through", but I have tried and I have tried, and there is absolutely nothing that I like less then having to bring up race to white people. And I've asked, and I've pried about wtf every single characters issue is with mine, and I've never gotten a straight answer, so. No.
 
(Two year long ship that I love down the drain. I'm so pissed, but she doesn't even like rping that character, so. It'll work out for the best, I guess.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 I hate when the pain spikes to the point of it just being an endless loop of static in my head. I'm freezing, I feel like crying when people even look at me, and I've taken four ibuprofen so far and.. I'm walking! So plus! And I'm not actually curled up at my desk even though I really, really, really fucking want to.

But I want it to work more. This is miserable and I'm miserable and I can't even distract myself, because give it tthirty seconds and everything just comes back to the fact it hurts.

Turns out the weird cysts in my liver and the one on my throat and all of that all done from my mums side of the family, which is just peachy. Another thing to aggressively hate them for!

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Also: slightly frustrated, but it feels unfair to be so, because...

People want to hang out while I'm in Cleveland on these doctor visits. That's fine, arguably, but I don't like hanging out with people for longer than thirty minutes to an hour. My energy for physical interaction isn't like, hella limited, but it is when I spend forty+ hours a week playing nice and having to socialise for work. I don't want to spend my down-time in interactions I can't just, like, turn off the fucking screen and ignore for a few hours when I get tired of them.

But everyone wants to hang out, and my attempts to go "hey, guys, I'm tired, I'm really not up for long visits --" just results in them.. trying to cut it down to, like, 90M - 2HR lunches instead of three. Like, they're obviously trying, but when I want it to be thirty minutes and then they're gone, it's just grating as hell.

I am also trying! I did my 90M lunch, I smiled and chatted and talked, it's not a big deal. I just wish I didn't have to. It's.. I like seeing people, and catching up, but I just rapidly hit the point where it transitions from "pleasant" to "work", and I know people find it hurtful that it switches like that for me so quickly, whereas they're still having fun and finding it 110% pleasant bonding for hours after I am completely done.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Aggressive bouncing. The worst part about being in the cage is that it turns my job from "I can come in, do it, leave, it's fine" to "I am actively dreading this with every inch of my being and I wish I could skip", haha.

Oh well. Three more days, then I'll be back in my office for a bit, thank fuck.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I really, really, absolutely have to start keeping better records of everything, and I don't know how to do it in a way that doesn't set my OCD off. It's unfortunate, but I have to figure it out: it's never been an option to ignore it, but I've been trying to, and that's a fuck-up on my part. An important part of being a responsible adult is figuring out how the fuck to do this.

So, I've been eyeing up alternative means of tracking and I think I've puzzled some out? We'll see how it works.

Doctor appointment came and went. They want to re-do the tests from last year for my gastric emptying and the endoscopy, because evidently, what I told the doctor sounded like gastritis was gastritis, and.. taking ibuprofen daily for the resulting twelve months likely hasn't done anything to help? He said that I might have ripped lining in my stomach, going by some of the symptoms, but he's largely mystified.

Everyone is always mystified. I was seen by the resident first, then the main doctor who I scheduled with, and then his colleague in turn, and.. apparently there has to be something wrong with my reflex, because I ate breakfast at 8AM, and he asked if there was food in the back of my throat at 10AM, when they finally got me into the room, and got very startled when I said yes, there pretty much always is. But I don't know. They want to put me on steroids, and they want me to quit taking ibuprofen, and I'm just.. sort of stressed out in general by this.

Because I've been trying to get this resolved, but the thing about it is, if I'm honest: I haven't been trying as hard as I can? It takes so much energy! It makes me want to fucking cry whenever I think about this too much, because I can't ever manage to shake the feeling that I'm just.. portraying what is just a glorified eating disorder as an actual disease. I know this is not the case. logically speaking: I'm not batshit, every test result that's come back says that I'm not batshit, it's just.. really, really fucking hard for me to lose this constant hum in the back of my head, reminding me that I could be batshit, and that I could be making all of this up, and.. it's silly, honestly, and writing about it only supplies validation that it does not deserve to have.

But, but, but. My own mental hang-ups are not a reason not to do better, and the burden always falls on my sister to pick up my slack when I'm not. The only reason I'm even back at the doctor again is because she got tired of me crying 24/7 over being in pain, because I was pretty much just like "THIS IS MY LOT IN LIFE, THIS IS NORMAL, THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD". And it's really, really, really not fair to her to, like.. let her carry my slack? She says she's fine with it, but the thing about it is that I'm not.

Being in pain is not an excuse not to do things. Being tired is not an excuse not to do things. This is less an instance of "I am incapable of doing it" and more "I do not want to do it", but part of being an adult is acknowledging that you don't want to do it, and then fucking doing it anyway. It is always very distressing to realise that I have been behaving immaturely in some fashion or another, but you can never improve if you don't address your flaws.

So: trying to figure out a way to keep better records. Trying to figure out a way not to go completely batshit. Trying to keep better track of shit ta work. Trying, trying, trying, and hopefully we're going to start seeing more results.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I love the bizarre anomalies of weight. Which is that I've abruptly gained six pounds, and am now at 117lbs, aka the highest I've been in a couple of months. Despite basically not eating all week.

My sister's like WATER WEIGHT, but I'm getting slightly anxious that I'm going to walk in to this consultation, and this doctor is gong to pull the usual bullshit after I drive literally across the state to see him, miss work, and fuck up my entire schedule. Because I'm back at borderline underweight, according to the scale, not actually underweight, despite the fact nothing I own fucking fits anymore.

But that's worries for Wednesday, I guess

I'm always pleasantly surprised when people actually show signs that they are thinking of me, I guess? I'm still warmly chuffed over T bringing me fudge, haha, and apparently mutua acquaintances have been asking how I've been feeling / how things are going, and that's really nice. I guess it's weird that I find this endearing - it's really basic normal stuff. It's just being nice or being concerned because there's no reason not to be, but IDK, incidental kindness is my jam.

It's nice to know people are thinking of me, but it's also nice to remember that people are habitually kind, I suppose!
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Bought a mini-fridge to either keep in my room, to keep my lunches in b/c there's NEVER ROOM FOR MY STUFF in the main fridge, or my office. Not sure yet! We'll see.

I'm.. really, really hoping that if I keep food actually just by me 24/7, I'll eat it? We'll see. I am flouncing angrily at every possible solution, and one has got to work out eventually in my favour.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
On one hand, I appreciate that this dude wants to go through the effort of trying to check in on me. Like, aw, bb, you're a sweetheart and I only wish the best of things for you in life. But: n. Nnnnnnnnn.

On the other hand: 400 fucking calories today and I can't keep any food down, so I'm like. 1200 calories shorter than I'm supposed to be! So I guess his concern is fucking warranted.

Hggnn. orz
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
So, first time my symptoms got actually fucking unbearable for awhile, I just.. slept. Like, I was spending six hours awake a day, at that, until things got less excessively miserable, because I adjusted and figured out how to cope in limited bursts.

I can't do that now, which I think is.. not helping? IDK. I am okay mentally, as a whole: I am just staying in this high key state of physical discomfort and brain fog that it's making me just high key perpetually miserable emotionally, haha.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
It took me actual years to realise that having semiregular fits where you throw up and then have to go lie on the ground with an ice pack on your stomach for a few hours before you can move again was not really normal.

I really fucking wish it was normal, because everything fucking hurts and I still have to be in to work shortly.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 It is vaguely surreal to realise that, like, I'm back at the three closest people in my life right now being internet friends and my sister. It's not that I don't like meatspace people! It's just that I prefer to keep them more distant? There's like, a very short list of people who I trust would not gossip about my life, or cause me difficulties trying to help, and.. I have different friends for different purposes, I don't really have more than 3-5 all around people, which is how I classify close.

And then my list of close internet friends is, like.. I'd sulk if Cass stopped talking to me, but I'd stress the fuck out if Bel or Cloud did, pfff. And get over it, obviously: I've dumped or ghosted on enough people to know that it happens, you let yourself wallow for a day, then you roll on.

But IDK, IDK. I've complained about this before, but it's weird to have people that I am invested in sufficiently that I would care if they ghosted on ME. Like, y, I'd be worried if a couple of other people disappeared - I am inordinately fond of Mirk, and Sibyl ditching me for brief bursts has always caused Actual Distress, but it's not personal in those cases, haha.

.. IDK, IDK. I'm so much more comfortable having people be more invested in ME than I am in them, haha! But I guess everyone does? x) I am perfectly aware this is a relatively normal thing, too, it's just.. something I think about occasionally and go HM.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Random heart-racing is fucking murdering my productivity. I can't think while it's doing it, I can't breathe, all I do is lie here and try to remember wtf it's like to actually be able to focus. It is exasperating. And bizarrely pointless. I hateee.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
It is getting to the point that it feels like everyone I know is some stripe of suicidal, and it's not fair to make this about me, but - it's driving me absolutely batshit, oh my god. There is very little you can do to help people with mental illnesses, except be a support, and.. it is deeply aggravating to deal with this, in that someone can seem perfectly fine one day, and then dead the next, and there's nothing you can do about it, because that's how suicide works.

It's just stressful. And there's nothing I can do about it, so it really shouldn't be stressful, but here we are, haha. My sister keeps telling me I need to just try to relax, and friends keep telling me I seem really high strung lately, and it's like.. y, but it's kind of hard not to be when 90% of the people I know are messes, and my health is rupturing even further into a dumpster fire, haha. God.

(I'm not in a mood, bad or otherwise! I'm exhausted, but I feel fine, I'm just.. faintly incredulous over Yet Another Suicidal Reveal. I do not try to pick up mentally ill folks as my friends, I am not mentally ill, I'm not sure how this has really happened.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Every time I get out of the shower, I get reminded that I really fucking love the way my face looks. Like, I just have v satisfying features to my own aesthetic considerations, haha, and it's nice.

(I've gotten people gently negging me if I actually sAY THIS TOO MUCH, because humility is a virtue and all that, but - honestly, isn't it much better for someone to unabashedly think that they're attractive, rather than think that they're unattractive? I have been given the whole BEAUTY STANDARDS ARE INHERENTLY NEGATIVE, but IDK, haha.)

(Our beauty standards are tailored and harmful to the whole, but.. There's a difference between being pleased that you enjoy your features, vs being pleased that you can fit into society's ideal.)

(And sometimes I waffle on if the latter is even a bad thing, pffff.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am a tornado of stress and anxiety lately, due to a whole lot of things, but partially that this flare-up has not died down, haha. I am starting to think my sister actually fucking jinxed me. I also have an actual fucking low-grade rash where the dog licked me. Why am I allergic to everything in this entire world?

It's weird to say that I've actually been fine, under the stress? I'm happy enough lately, which is nice.

People talk about me to other people when I am not there, and it's slightly surreal. but everyone also knows that I'm an appearance-obsessed monster, so they keep bringing me back people's impressions, and it's fascinating? I don't really emote with people I'm not close to, because it's not.. super productive, haha.

I just default to "pleasant, polite, not remarkably so"! Make small talk, be nice, keep a mental list of some trait they seem proud of so that you can compliment it and then potentially bring it up next time, and smile a lot. Everyone thinks that you are now friends. congraats.

OR SO I THOUGHT. Apparently, I am somehow vaguely intimidating, because this is the third dude who's 1) older than me, 2) heavier than me, 3) taller than me that's been like "I COULD NEVER TELL IF THEY HATED ME OR JUST DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK" and it's mildly baffling, pffff. I mean, I'm less friendly to guys in general? Guys have a bad habit of taking any sign of above-normal friendliness as flirting, and I fucking detest that, but I guess that means I come off as a bit of a dick to that demographic?

idk, idk, it is silly.

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