hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

Hello! My name is Dane, also known as Mar if you're from certain circles of the internet.

This is mostly a vent blog to document my moods and thoughts that I want to get off my chest, and note certain cycles for analysation purposes. I do post about other things, though, and I try not to let this journal get too excessively theatrical. I'm in my early twenties, I think I'm a little old for that. :p

But it is a vent blog. Opinions expressed here are out of context, and probably not entirely fair depictions of the people involved. And it doesn't especially make for the best read! If you're checking me out because I put you on my reading list, reciprocity is definitely not expected.

Small facts about myself for newcomers:

  • I am non-binary! This essentially just means that, when I am in my forties, I will probably undergo a medical transition, but I have no desire for it to aversely affect my career or personal life prior to that, so I'm just sucking it up in the meanwhile. You can use whatever standard pronoun you want. It's the internet, I really don't give a shit.
  • I am not white!
  • I am in my early twenties, I have diagnosed OCD, and I use a cane sometimes. Cars can fuck you up, man.
  • Sometimes I write! Mostly original stuff and fandom OCs, but I may start posting kink meme fills on here as well. We'll see!
  • My tags are mostly self-explanatory, I think, and they're located on the sidebar.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Interesting conversation with my sister in the car:

The constant, low key buzz of anxiety, like you're in a room with too many people and too much noise, and all you can ever do in life is distract yourself from it, so it's not overwhelming.

This is my constant baseline. This is hers! She was dismissive of my statement that maybe this is just the result of living fairly stressful lives 24/7, but I could say that the house was on fire and she would dismiss me: we've covered that before. It might just be a chemical thing, or an upbringing thing, because my dad got anxious and had panic attacks as a kid, and my mother is my mother.

But IDK. Point of this is just that I deal with this by chattering constantly, at myself if I don't have anyone else, because a constant stream of socialisation keeps my attention scattered just enough that I don't enter into the mental circlejerk of anxiety.

Which is why I'm on my phone, talking to people constantly, and probably why I get fluffy at anyone who's usually available to indulge.
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I guess it's kind of sad that so much of my self soothing relies on fiscal stability.

But it does feel nice to be able to look at my bank account to calm myself down. Like, okay, I'm doing okay. I'm really good at saving money, holding still and never spending it. Getting slightly teary over if buying Starbucks is fiscally irresponsible, given I have purchased ESO this month and am gonna get Hiveswap, is not actually.. super reasonable, because I can afford it, and I am /okay./

And I can throw more money at my parents for bills, so.
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godd, I'm just fucking up lately.

Latest mishap: four hundred calories yesterday, god only knows how many on Tuesday, except not enough, and now I get to deal with the mood crashing downfall of this. And the anxiety. And the whole body "NOPE" as I try to shovel food down my goddamn gullet.

Whatever. I'll get food, I'll crash hard in about an hour, I'll feel better in the morning.
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I love my dad! I was trying to explain to him the trials of coming out in relation to both Bel, and E,  without actually using words like compulsory heterosexuality and all of that, and.. his response was to go "HMM SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW, WHO ONLY LIKES MEN WHEN THEY'RE PRETTY."

I'm mildly bothered still, but mostly by myself? Everyone thinks I'm gay and just a big closet case, and everyone who meets me thinks I'm gay,and I am a closet case, so maybe I am? Idk, IDK.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Weird thoughts:

I guess my eating habits in general are pretty disordered? Oops. Both of my parents only eat one meal a day, and that's not something I've ever been able to do, but then I hit college, started getting sick, and it's.. all that I basically do if I'm working, along with random fasting if I get sick, or if I'm on my period, or something else. And I'm still not regularly hitting my calorie counts, as seen by the fact my stomach has been growling steadily since 8AM.

And right now, I was like "I need to get food, but I feel sick", so I've been sitting here eating tiny graham crackers, and counting it as a meal. |D Which. Nooooo. I usually get tea or pop during the day, which boosts my calorie count, but I've cut it down to pure water due to doctor's orders, so.

It's just surreal to realise! I eat a ton of vegetables, so I don't really think of my eating habits as unhealthy? But vegetables are so low calorie, it's.. not really helping anything out and so is everything else that I'm eating right now. We've figured out once I hit 500 or so calories in one sitting, it sets off my stomach being a fuck, so the solution is supposed to be "make sure you're eating something worth 100 calories, at least, every hour".

Which I can do at home, if I actually remember to eat, no problem. |D But which is totally not happening at work, because there are fucking gnats, and it's pretty much impossible to keep them away from your shit.

(but I'm at home rn, so less twittering, more eating, I guess.)

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Feeling less like a wittery ball this weekend. That's good, I guess. Today will be a bit hell on wheels, but that's to be expected with THE CAGE.


Mostly feeling better lately, which is great. Less stress, even though there's no fucking reason to be less stressed? We'll see when I dig open my emails today, haha.

Spoke to people about being referred to as they! The reaction was less amicable than I'd prefer, honestly, and I'm not touching the topic with my sister or my family, because.. well, no, fuck that. But I also updated my profiles to refer to myself as gay on social media, so I feel a little less stressed about that, at least. And I updated facebook to they/them? Sooo.

Current rough plans for October/September, because it's fall and that means "Mar annually bullies themself into trying to be proactive and show interest in socialising:"

-> dinner w/ folks at the Renn Faire
-> dinner date with the LGBTQ group
-> coming out ball, which I'll drop by, but as we found out last year: there's too many fucking bars in the gay culture in this town
-> possibly the book club?

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Okay, okay, finally going to bed. Staying awake and wittering does no one any favours, lest of all myself.

I complain in here during spats of stress or unhappiness, which is misleading, I think: I've said this before and I'll say it again in that I'm not unhappy on average or depressed, I'm just.. constantly fucking tired and stressed right now, haha, which is not beneficial to me being an efficient adult in many of the ways that I really, really should be, and feel as if I normally am.

Case in point: getting myself so stressed out about exposing any possible vulnerabilities to someone that I intensely dislike that I've stayed up until 2:24AM. |D And I am sure none of this is helped by the fact I last ate.. fourteen hours ago? I tried cooking something earlier, fucking burnt it to a crisp on accident, cried about it, and could not muster the fucks to try cooking food like a competent human being, which is about a helpful assessment to how stressed I am staying lately, I think.

.. self-aggro language is also a sign of it, I think, which is also a sign of: go the fuck to bed, self, you've said you're doing it like eight times now over four hours. orz
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I wish I had the hyper aggression of fifteen year old Mar, instead of the chronic waffling of 25 year old Mar.

which is to say: I am pretty fucking pissed at myself for even letting any of V's shit stay in the game for this long, but equally lost at how to resolve it? Because it's not fair to the players to let her hang in the game, it's not fair to the chat to complain about her constantly while not actually removing her, but I'm perpetually worried that the fallout from removing her won't be P, Z and T leaving with her (ideal solution, tbh), but C removing themselves in solidarity, and R ghosting, because she doesn't do drama, and she has explicitly said she doesn't want to be associated with dramatic people.

Which: most of the activity is C & R, R has CR with pretty much everyone on her two chars, and so I'm hesitant on those grounds, because.. I'm not sure, especially given that everyone's on full time work again, much life there'll be in the game otherwise?

but at the same time: the game only being active on the weekends would be intensely superior to the current festerpot of agitation.

idk, idk, idkkk.

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I severely, severely fucked up on Wednesday, to the extent that I would not have been surprised if I started vomiting blood, and was half expecting I would. I did not, thankfully, but I'm still half certain that I tore one of the spots in my stomach or something else, because it was just a complete fucking mess.

Everyone is tired of me locking myself up into small spaces and crying over being in pain at this point, but I think I'm at the top of the list, haha. I guess I should be happy that I'm such a feather weight that I don't actually gain weight? Otherwise, this would all be even more infuriating to deal with.

(I would like to be able to gain back a little bit of weight, though. Was at 112lbs again in full clothes and my steel toes on Thursday, I'm not keen to find out how much I weigh without them.)

I'm in a Mood(tm) today, which is aggravating, and the worst part of it all is.. I don't know how to really deal with them? Maybe I'll just go home and sleep. Or reorganise BWIC and set up its queue, I guess, because that's simple, people have requested it, and it'll make me happier, hopefully. Maybe.

I have yet another doctors appointment after work, so that's a thing. I think I need to schedule another, but I need to ask my sister to check - I'm so frustrated that I'm not pulling my weight on this part of things, but I'm frankly.. it's inherently selfish to sit here and be relieved that I can rely on her to help me with this, but she's great and I'm really, really glad.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
All of my mum's friends are dying the past few years, and it's troubling. I feel like I should have more thoughts on it, but no, it's pretty much just that.

There's no way for me to talk about my personal sexuality without puffing up defensively before the conversation's even begun, but I've been trying to, and I think the clarifications and discussions have been useful? They're hideously uncomfortable. They're going to stay hideously uncomfortable, I think. But at the same time: it's good to actually be working through shit, I guess. Sometimes progress feels like swallowing glass, but sometimes you have to blow through it anyway.

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Aaah, usually I manage not to monopolise conversations through sheer het up ire, and then it happens, and I kind of want to crawl under a desk for awhile.

Apologising doesn't matter so much as not being inconsiderate enough to do it in the first place. But it's a good reminder not to jump into conversations when I'm already riled up, especially online, where I can't watch faces and catch the hint that I'm talking a little much.

(or maybe this is just anxiety through and through, because I'm riled up and in pain? IDK. I wish I was asleep, haha.)
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Okay, fuck it, part of being an adult is clawing through issues that I'd rather pour acid on and set on fire than actually confront, so time to tear through them. It's a little frustrating that talking about other people's issues is perfectly fine, but even confronting mine sideways makes me want to commit arson rather than actually deal with it: it feels like a direct challenge to the fact, if it weren't for these fucking health issues, I'd be a fully competent adult. Fully competent adults don't have problems, goddamnit.

Cut for sideways reference to sex.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
On the plus side, I think I puzzled out what the fuck is giving me this mysterious allergic reaction of itching and now welts? I forgot to wash these shorts I bought before I actually wore them, and.. I can't do that, I'm allergic to basically every washing powder ever. |D So I've swapped them out and banished all the sets to the washer, and hopefully, hopefully I can return to a life where I do not want to scour off my limbs with sandpaper and/or calomine lotion.

(It's not that bad, but I hate welts.)

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am mildly resentful of everything, and also of life in general, whenever I find myself actually thinking about my sexuality.

Which is probably a "you should talk about this", or alternatively "maybe go to a therapist and talk about it", but - it's not actually a therapist issue, and also, I already know what the answer will be, which is to stop being such a fucking closetcase about everything.

But also: bluuuuuuh. Time to shove this in a box and deal with it during the Annual Thanksgiving Gay Panic instead. This is, like, four months early and I fucking hate it.
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I am tired and morose right now, so obviously, I'm going to feel better in the morning. Current schedule is 8hrs, 30ms of sleep, which.. hopefully will make me feel better? We'll see, I guess!

On the topic of being morose: I resent myself sometimes in that clinginess is something viscerally distasteful to me, and it keeps me, in general, from seeking out affection a great deal. This is something I should try to change, I think, but it's one thing to say I should change it and another to actually figure out how to do so in an efficient manner. Thoughts for tomorrow, I guess.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 Further thoughts:

I think the main issue for me in life is that I've always had a visceral distaste towards the idea of dating women? Because, alright, banging a girl does not mean you're necessarily gay: it means that you want to have sex, and this person was willing to have sex with you. Like, there's never been a question of the fact girls are hot in my mind. We all live in a society where women are explicitly sexualised from the very start of puberty, back before they're even women. So many of my conversations as a teenager regularly include figuring out if this girl is hot or not, if this girl needs a reduction or if she needs a lift, figuring out ways in which this person could be more attractive, ect, ect, and it was catty bullshit, but also -

It was literally a cataloguing of ways in which we, random teenage girls, could make this random female stranger's appearance more sexually attractive to us.

So I've never really had an issue with figuring out women were hot. But actually dating a woman would be absolutely fucking gay, and thus it was something I always explicitly shut down, because NO, NOPE, NOT PROVING ANYONE RIGHT. And then, when I was identifying as a guy, it was "oh, like HELL there's any part of my identity that I will ever allow to be heterosexual".

Idk, it's.. interesting, I guess. I figured out last year that, no, I guess there are girls and enbies that I would actually really enjoy dating, but all of my Gay Girl Panics have always revolved around dating, not the fact I'm attracted in the first place. 

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Sort of weird to realise that I sort of have a vastly different experience than a lot of people in LGBT circles, haha. I mean, I forget mostly because - I spent my formative years in groups of people who had been raised and treated with the assumption that they were gay from a very early age, and were treated poorly due to it. That's my experience! That's the people I grew up hearing the stories of.

So every time someone's like "ah, yes, I didn't even realise homosexuality was an option", it's always a bit.. okay, well, how? I don't think there's a time after age six that I didn't have someone assuming I was a huge lesbian. Everyone still assumes I'm a huge lesbian. I'm not sure how people even manage to pass as average, heterosexual citizens at this point, because I don't think I've ever actually managed it, haha.

This isn't distressing or anything else! And I've gotten used to it sufficiently since graduating and moving out of those peer circles entirely that I know what to say, I've figured out what the responses people want are, and I can get where they're coming from. It's always just mildly surreal when there's conversations where large groups of people are offering up shared experiences, and it's like.. no, sorry, I can relate to precisely 1% of that.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 CASUAL FRIEND: [some deeply personal fact stated casually]
ME: you,, know I'm not reciprocating that, right

I see her prompting, but nooooooo. It's not even anything personal! I just am full up on deep interpersonal connections rn. And possibly forever. TOO MUCH ENERGY.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
It's vaguely surreal whenever my body decides, oh, hey, you're actually hungry, because.. it really does not feel any different from just wanting to puke, at this point. But I'm going to shovel food down my gullet anyway, and hope for the best. Having a set calorie count to meet every day doesn't necessarily do a lot to make me want to eat, but it gives me a goal that makes it easier to eat, if that makes sense? Which is nice.

I quit pop cold turkey, and I'm always mildly mystified as to how people have such issues with this? I mean, yes, obviously, I want fucking caffeine. No caffeine and no pain-killers have combined to make me feel like a glorified sloth, both in terms of how much I want to do and how much I actually feel like I have the energy to do. But.. it's just a drink, ultimately? IDK, addiction is such a big thing, and it runs in my family, and I don't quite get it. But I guess it's, like.. OCD, but on a biological level, haha, so maybe I'm just not going to ever especially get it, in the same way people don't understand OCD.

I'm going through a vain period again. I just really like the way I look! My face is 50%/50% on how much I can tolerate it, but I'm generally always okay with my body, which is nice. Upon further contemplation, I think my face issues are just.. I always internalise myself as being long-faced and heavy-lidded, which is a thing from very specific angles, and then I look in the mirror and realise oh! no! that's not the case from the others! and things get weird.

.. but yeah, just really into the way I look right now. Which: vanity is a little silly, haha. There are cuter people out there! But there's just something very satisfying about my mental image and physical appearance matching up, and hitting something I can go "oh, hey, that's hot!" about. So sparkly emojis at myself, I guess!


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