Mar. 21st, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I wrote a post about love and past dating experiences, and.. hm. Emotionally, I'd say I haven't dated people! Logically, in terms of what I've been told and the way the dudes involved viewed it, we were basically dating, which remains a deeply surreal thought. I hate when someone rips off a chunk of your reality, without even realising it, and you remember other people have VIEWS and EXIST and are entirely separate from you.

But the tl;dr of it is just: haha, I'm bad at this, I guess! Though making friends is easy, socialising is easy, romance is a minefield of cultural expectations, individual issues and a lot of hard work on both parties sides, so.. maybe it's something that everyone is bad at, until they end up in a relationship where they're not?

Or maybe I'm just lazy and disinclined towards feeling like I owe anyone anything, haha. That's a possibility!

I told the internet over on tumblr that I'd do a fashion post. I told the internet on my gaming forums that I'd do a fashion post. I told my fucking Facebook, ill used as it is, that I'd do a fashion post. And I have not! It's a shame. it's been six months I'm simulantaenously disinclined towards the creepy comments I'd get from one corner, and a little anxious about my clothing.

  .. this is not an anxiety that needs reassurance, btw. People like my clothes well enough IRL, I dress without being an eyesore. I just want to get rid of a bunch of stuff and replace it with nicer stuff, haha, and also, I don't want to.. fuck with the way that people think I dress? I'm pretty fucking girly. I already have people switching from masculine or neutral pronouns as soon as they hear my voice, I dunno if I'm especially keen to intentionally court that perception by, like, taking full body shots.

.. also, I am vain as fuck and I'm used to positive attention on my appearance, if not my personality,  neither of which are traits that I really ought to be leaning into, pfff. I don't know. x) I don't knooow. I'll go shopping this weekend and see what I turn up, I guess, and make my decision then.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I don't get cramps! I woke up at 5AM stressing the fuck out about wtf hurt, and then took ibuprofen and went back to bed, and now, four hours later, it still feels like I'd rather climb into a meat grinder than deal with this.

My stomach is also hurting, and I've got a migraine, because it's the holy trinity of "fuck you" from my body today, apparently. I really should've taken today off.

In other news: I'm reading more and enjoying it? I know what I'm doing wrong in Overwatch, and I just need to learn the calls for ults and better situational awareness, and get off Lucio until I've hit plat again,  haha. I like him, but I like the feeling that I'm playing well better, you know?

Also, not frustrating everyone I'm playing with. That's nice, too!

Um. More positive stuff! I am really grateful for everyone who puts up with my constant distressed health flailing. I know it's tedious to hear complaints about things you can't fix, but I deeply, deeply appreciate the fact that people are letting me wail about this anyway. And smacking me every time that I try to descend into 'maybe I AM just getting hysterical and this is all just supposed to be my normal', because this isn't and I just have to.. keep flailing until a doctor will actually declare that they've figured it out. Being in pain all the time isn't normal. Having to take pills all the time so I'm not just curled into a ball is not normal. >:[

And I have on perfume and it's lovely. I have my hair down, and I wore a nice outfit, and my body may be a festering trashfire that's trying to kill me, but EYY. At least I'm a pretty trashfire, and I have people that like me. That'll have to do.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I have plenty of people waiting for responses to things, and I want to chatter. I'm warm and I don't have to move and I'm pretty chill right now, but I think about actually talking to people and it's thoroughly "nah". I'll soldier through it later in the afternoon, or after work. But pfff, this is why I'm so disinclined to date. I'm too hot and cold, I think? I don't want people's attention 24/7, but at the same time, I get silly jealousy pangs over ridic shit I'm not even interested in, just because I'm not.. actively involved.

This is absolutely silly, btw, I don't need to be in every single conversation people have, or activity, and I wouldn't want to. See above wrt socialisation feeling very 'nah' lately. It's all just a part of that thing where I want to be in the room where it happens, but I don't actually want to, like.. be a part of what's happening?

I think it may be less straight jealousy, and more just curiosity. I am not particularly well inclined towards poly relationships, on average, courtesy of growing up in that culture and getting exposed to all the fun flaws of it. But I could live with a poly relationship if it was a V! I'd self destruct in an actual open relationship, on account of everything above.

.. which all honestly sounds like most people's problems, so I guess that really isn't the fool proof reason for why I don't date. x)  How about laziness? That sounds infinitely less justifiable, but more honest.

(I feel like I should have written date-date,  because my idea of dating is not.. the same as others, I think. But that's a post for when I'm not supposed to be coding!)

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. someone just sent my co-worker an email, saying:

Can it get me an order for shirts ?
Thanks
(NAME)

That's verboten. Whaaaaaaaat.

She forwarded it to me, so I guess I'll just.. send him an order for shirts? Maybe it's a typo, or he was thinking there's an automatic process, or any explanation other than some white guy referring to me as an it, haha.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
It's sort of surreal to realise that oh! Almost all of my friends from high school are about to be in their thirties now.

I have zero urge to contact with them on any level. I'm throwing money into Mark's pot, because I have it and that's the right thing to do - personal feelings do not really matter, if someone needs something and you can give it, you know? M has never actually done anything more severe than giving me anxiety attacks, which is.. a relatively small crime, in the scope of things.

Because I have entirely forgotten, apparently, what a goddamn cesspool that entire friends group was? L was on drugs and having sex in front of people with her boyfriend WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT, and there was the constant fretting over her latest emotional breakdowns. C used hersistersname andage for anentire year. K was always in drama, and if it wasn't the skinhead thing, or drugs, then it was the schizophrenic fosterbrother-boyfriend thing.  M was.. M.

And then there was all the IC drama, on top of it all. And all the minor OOC drama, and the interpersonal stuff, and it's like - okay, yeah, I guess it's not so weird that I'm so acidic about the concept of people not being able to control their own damn behaviors,  in hindsight. I spent six to eighteen thoroughly embedded in this shit, and that was just with the furries, haha.

I'm not going to touch LJ, because: no.

.. at least IRL people have always mostly been stable? A aside, haha. But oh my god, remembering all of this makes me a little less ambivalent towards the fact they're all still around and friends, and more just.. gently incredulous, and deeply grateful that I am NOT.

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
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