Mar. 28th, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I really wish I could take today off, but I'm not apt to use up my vacation days. I think I'll do it on Friday, and then have three days straight to try and just.. figure out a way to soothe this shit. Someone suggested just continuously walking for an hour or two every day and see if that does anything (other than make me puke into bushes), because it's gentle exercise that won't fuck me up or exhaust me, and if it's a nervous system disorder, walking.. helps?

I don't knooooow, I'm exhausted and not really doing the "straight train of thought" thing, haha.

I know that I like people infinitely better when I can hear their voices instead of just seeing their text, but it's amazing that my opinion of someone has improved about 5x just from chatting with them on voice while we play video-games. I didn't dislike them before! I just didn't go out of my way to talk to them, because I can't fucking read them and I want no parts of that. But now I have a tone to set to their words beyond "irritated", which helps out a lot, I think?

I don't know. I literally grew up on the internet, it's been a huge chunk of my social life since I was in first grade, so you'd think I'd be less like this? but apparently not, haha!

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
"Your body may be a trash heap, but hey, at least you're cute" is staying my aggressive mantra to make it through the day right now.


Also, my sister pointed out that M probs is not going to use the $150 I gave him for medical bills, which.. okay, I don't really care, it's not my business what he actually does with the money. I gave it because it's a better use then dropping it on something for fun, and it's what you're supposed to do.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
... also, RIFP, I am way too into presentation play. I don't mean that in a weird sexual way, I just mean..

If I had infinite money, time, and I could do it very far away from anyone who I know IRL, I wouldn't mind fully dolling up my appearance for occasional going out? Like, not contouring! Just the intense fake-nude face with the shiny bright lips and heels and a nice, bright circle skirt and a stuffed bra, pfff, because I have absolutely nothing to fill out a shirt.  Because I really like feminine aesthetics, I really like being able to dress up and go "ah, yes, I'm aesthetically pleasing" objectively, I really like knowing that people are reaching the same conclusion. I mean, I know some people don't get validation from their appearance, but it's always been my one big fall back and comfort - if nothing else, if I'm in a sulk, at least I can always feel nicely resolute in the fact I'm cute.

And I know how to work with my facial features in a way that will produce lovely results. I love my face, but I am keenly aware of the flaws in it, where it matches to conventional standards, where it doesn't, and where I can adjust my features through hair and makeup and accessories to make them shift closer. I've thought about it, I've done it, it's so much fucking fun and I'd probs live half of my life being incredibly femme in an ideal world.

But I also really don't want people to use this as an excuse to go "yeah, no, you're a girl", because that's not a term that fits, and the people that I know IRL will absolutely use that as an excuse to declare I'm a huge repressed lesbian with issues. So it's not going to happen until I can move out, and then have weekends that I can waste in private, get dressed up and then skip off to one of the other cities for a day, haha.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. my current preferred aesthetics are entirely just "hot and butch in bright colours and varsity jackets with crop tops and a sucker", "cut off sweaters with tanks underneath and cargo pants and chunky boots and piercings and cargo pants and cute short hair" , both of which have been my wardrobes at different points, but I spent so much time in EGL circles, haha.

Sonetimes you just want to get FEMME TO THE MAX, and also, like, be an hour glass instead of a very aggressive pear.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. I feel compulsively inclined to note, in case it wasn't obvious, though, that I'm mentally pretty fucking great, haha. All of my kvetching is just my usual sounding off, and this is a relatively normal flare up. I'm going to request Friday as a floater, then stay home and chill, and hopefully my liver or nervous system OR whatever the fuck is the problem here will calm down accordingly, but even with everything being ridic, I am still in a pretty great fucking mood.

Lovelorn is a very, very silly word, but I just really enjoy being this enthusiastic about someone? Like my brief spat of infatuation with douchefriend would've gotten the same fluffiness, probs, if he wasn't quite so much of a creep in front of ME, and if everyone else wasn't setting off my defensiveness about him, haha. Like, sulky feelings of 'HE'S NOT HOT ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THIS' ruin that warm, glowing feeling, who could've known?

But this is not the case here, and knowing it's going to chill out in a month or so means that I'm free to just roll in it as this fun, positive mood booster, haha.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna stop chattering about this eventually, but I like feeling cheerfully buoyant. It's not like I'm usually not pretty delighted - I talk to people constantly because it makes me happy! This is just a different flavour of happiness, and it's lovely in that it's totally self fed? It's not related to anything that's happening, it's just "this person EXISTS and I just randomly remember this and get really, really happy that they do, because: that's great!"

Eventually, it'll tone back down to the usual levels of "I just remembered this person exists, and I'm satisfied by this, because they're great", pffff.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I feel slightly bad that my pool of tolerable people right now is SO LOW. People are making perfectly reasonable requests for my time that I would normally be cheerful enough to fulfill, because it's easy and we both benefit, but like.. none of its an emergency, none of it requires my attention, and I just want to focus on stuff that's fun (and people that are entertaining). My complaints yesterday and Sunday about remembering that I don't like people were mostly just me not having food in my system, and feeling aggravated as a result of it, but like.. I just don't want to do it today, haha, it's not that it's irritating.

IDK, this isn't my "I'm stressed, better recluse", I don't think. It's just that I am tired, and I don't feel like doing it. Which is okay! I'll make it up on Friday. And if I do take it off, then I'll actually nab folks for lunch, and meet my obligations in meatspace, too.

And until then: chill, and try to eat.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. also pretty great: guess who's thermoregulating like a normal human being? And has not needed the space heater on?

This is probs more evidence for this being a couple of separate issues, not just one big one. But I'm pleased.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
... although the problem with not really wanting to talk to a lot of people right now is that I'm in a good mood, so I want to talk, I just. Don't want to have a conversation with most folks. TALK AT THEM, and all of that, haha. But I've already nattered everyone's ears off, so it's time to chatter at myself some more in here.

I really, really want to move. I'm not going to, cause I have a plan, it's a good plan, I've already saved a ton of money, and if I'm very careful with it, I can either get up to 20k in my bank, or else I can pay off my student loans in full, and be done with all of this in a year.

But I so want to move. the solution is just to set aside six hundred and go DO something, I guess. Go stay at a hotel? Go on a trip? I dunno, I hate travelling, so the thing to do is really just suck it up, pffff, because if I can pull this off, it'll be amazing.

If, if, if. The big question, haha. I'm good at money, but I'm awful at numbers. But if I make 33k a year, and my loans are about to be 26k and some change, that leaves 1k or so for money that presumably won't be eaten by taxes. BUT I actually only want to pay down to around 6k in loans - so, 21k total from a 33k income is what I want to try to push into my loans.

My dad ended up agreeing to take a contract again that might start in a week or two. My sister is contributing a ton into bills. So it's feasible? Maybe? I don't know, haha, I'm not even sure how to start running numbers that could explain it, to be perfectly honest. So I guess I'll sit down with her and her spreadsheets and ask her to work through it with me to figure it out.

... this is not really the most coherent post. I'm just chasing my tail in circles because CHATTER CHATTER CHATTER (but now I'm going to try to focus on the little bit of work I actually have).
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay, my "fuck it, I have the energy to bug this person" gambit doesn't work if she doesn't text me back.

COME ON, GIRL, how dare you be at work, working, like a grown ass adult. quq
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
back on the elimination diet. and also on having to lie on my back with my stomach flat and organs uncrimped to achieve a modicum of humanity, because I had the audacity to eat a single egg with spinach. good lord.

,,, still in a GREAT MOOD, though? hahaha.

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