Apr. 2nd, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
5AM HEART SPAM FOR EVERYONE. Apparently I was dreaming about fluffy presidents? Alright, then.

0) I am having to deliberately train myself out of adding hearts to sentences with this dude, because I like him, but he's making it weird. Why you gotta make it weird, dude. :[

1) I am not a psychologist! I am not sure why people keep mistaking "I will be supportive, make sympathetic noises and offer solutions" as, like, justification for me actually fixing their problems. Like, okay, that isn't going to work unless you actually do what I say, instead of giving reasons you can't do it, and that's also not going to work, because I don't live in your shoes, I don't know all the specific deets of your problem, and I'm not getting paid for this, so I don't want to. D:<

Is it mean that I'm just like "please go talk to your s/o" when this comes up now? Because I'm so not up for continuing the narrative that one's partner is meant to take control of their emotional health and manage it, but also, they have signed up for that way fucking more than I did. I know people think that I am competent, and folks know that I like giving advice and steering things, but, like.. when it's something like "I can't do this thing, but I WANT to do this thing", and they don't want sympathy, they don't want minor solutions (eat/take a break/take a nap/re-arrange your expectations to something easier), and they don't want to vent, they just want me to fix it, that's no~ot what I signed up for by befriending someone.

.. is there no unexpected obligation I will not chafe under? Evidently fucking not, pffffff.

2) One of my friends explained that the bag I am looking for is probably a diaper bag. I have told three other people in a fit of pique and outrage, and the consensus so far has been 1) wow that's 30, and 2) well, maybe you SHOULD buy a diaper bag, that sounds convenient! I HAD TO EXPLAIN I AM 24 AND THAT IS TOO YOUNG FOR A DIAPER BAG. D:<

3) I am still in an exceptionally chill mood? I'm just in an overall high swing the past week, and that's fucking great, haha. I'm going to stop documenting it, because it was noteworthy at first, in light of "I am sick + BUT I AM HAPPY INSTEAD OF SULKY???", but. x)

I need to get a planner and set out specific goals for my free time again, tbh, because none of my stuff is progressing at a speed that it could be, and I'm.. entertained by it, yeah, but I should be better! LIKE ON OVERWATCH, oh my god. x) I do not realise how much I'm fucking up until I start playing with B or T, at which point my flaws are helpfully highlighted. In a fun way, which is super useful, because I'm getting things pointed out that I didn't realise I'm doing, and now I can work on those in my down-time.

(I'm glad that playing with me isn't terribly frustrating, either, pffff. I sort of wish I was more chatty / reactive in general, instead of my default response to most things being "HIDE YOUR LAUGHTER, RESPOND WHEN YOUR VOICE IS STABLE, omg omg omg >:"D", but hahaha, maybe I'll try working on that, too.)

GOAL: actually have fixed the issues that are pointed out between games! Also, try to pay more attention to what's being said on mic in the moment. We'll see how that actually goes, though, haa.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Bags are currently down to Tom Bihn's medium or small cafe bag, though!

I just have to decide how much weight I feel like putting on my shoulders, haha. I always have the issue where I'm a reed and my bags end up wider than I am, which means they bump into my hip when I walk and throw me off balance. Or else they just throw me off balance, because I fill them up like I'm going to war, and then they're all on one side, and they're too HEAVY.

Things I ideally would want to carry in my bag daily, that I think should fit:
  • 32oz water bottle, potentially the 24oz tea bottle
  • all of my various cards, key
  • cellphone
  • mb a checkbook? I feel like this is an important Adult Thing to do
  • pack of tissue
  • pads, chapstick, bandaids
  • pens
.. that does sound like a medium cafe bag would be necessary. So I guess I'm getting that one. But it seems SO BIG??? I could always refund it, I guess, if I don't like it.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. okay, but maybe I am accidentally playing into the "make it weird" thing with him BY sending hearts??

I DON'T KNOW. THE ONLY PLAN HERE IS TO ABORT FULLY ON ALL AFFECTION WITH EVERYONE FOREVER AND PREVENT THIS FROM EVER OCCURING AGAIN. x)

(I am not affectionate irl with dudes, so, like, you'd think that would prevent it from getting weird!)

(Maybe this is not weird, and it is actually I who is MAKING this weird rn, by over-thinking it in an increasing clusterfuck of weirdness. Weird still looks like a word rn. I feel like this is an accomplishment.)

(\o/ /o\)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Doctor's appointment tomorrow, in which the doctor will use new and exciting new terminology to say "I don't know, and I'm not sure I should know." BLUH BLUH, ect.

But on the plus side: I got all three of the looming awkward conversations out of the way today, with very little actual awkwardness! This is a nice reminder that nah, I'm aright at people, even when I don't feel like dealing with them at all. which has been basically everyone today, haha. I love people lots, but I'm so tired of them. If I hear another human voice, I'm about ready to shriek. (A beautiful mood to return to the office to, but fortunately, I just keep my door shut and that's solved, haa.)

Oversocialisation aside: my sister is amazing, and I love her loads. She's set right now to have all of her loans down to 4K by the end of the year, she's got 30K in her retirement, and she's cut down on her drinking, and she's got money in her savings, and bluh bluh bluh, I am intensely proud. She's dietting to drop her weight and keeps giving me updates, because I told her some of the things were concerning in light of her issues as a teenie, and it all.. seems healthy? I dunno! I have read up and everything she says is sound, she's noting the unhealthy behaviour on the part of other folks in her circle of people she's collected for this, she's still eating regularly and she's losing at a steady rate.

So that's good. I'm proud of her! I am frequently just really hideously proud of her, because she's smart, and amazing, and this is not the job she wants? But she's secured a high-paying job, she keeps moving up, she's already looking at places that will double her income, and UGH. She's the best. >:[ I want to sing her praises to everyone and anyone, because she can be a total asshole at points, and I wish she was more ruthlessly ambitious, and I wish she wasn't so pushy about my stuff all the time, but. She is also just really, really fucking great, and I hope I'm doing as well as her at twenty six. Or twenty seven. However old she is!!

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