May. 1st, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Holy shit. Went to bed at 10 with a baby migraine. Got up at 12 still having the migraine.

Got up at 3 feeling better, couldn't sleep no matter how I turned, walked to the bathroom and almost doubled over because it feels like someone's hit me like four times in the gut and I didn't realize until I stood.

Holy shit no wonder I can't sleep. Now that I've noticed it, ii can't stop noticing it, RIFP. And curling up in the fetal position around this pillow is helping but it still hurts and this is such a baffling form of bullshit? I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything at all except eat and I took my pills with it and IDK IDK IDK
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Haha, aww, my dad walked back into my room, gave me a hug, and was like "I NEVER SAY THIS, BUT THANK YOU, BABE, YOU'RE A LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE IN MY LIFE and you're always what you're supposed to be." My mother does not really tolerate physical affection in the house! I am vaguely teary now, pfff.

1) I'm up and walking. Mostly. I guess it's nice that this struck on the day I'm going in to the doctor, because I've got to convince her I still want to go to this clinic, and there are other problems going on than just whatever the pancreatic enzymes are addressing."

2) I am still pissed over the J thing, remarkably, mostly because people keep messaging me like "don't they have three younger sisters? what the fuck is going on in that house?" YEAH, SORRY, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW AT THIS POINT. Writing weird fucking incest porn is one thing, writing weird fucking incest porn that makes you say "oh, incest isn't that bad, why do people stigmatise it?" while you're the oldest sibling is a bit Kill Bill sirens, for fuck's sake.

3) I'm weirded out by birthdays. People make such a big deal out of them, and then it's like.. I know a lot of people! I know dozens of people who I am fairly certain think we are way closer than we actually are. I do not hide my birthday. I usually get one or two "Happy Birthday's!", and my only gifts are from my sister and mother.

Am I.. doing something wrong? I don't care enough to mention it frequently, but it's mildly surreal to get "oh, when did you turn twenty four?" from people I've known for years, thoroughly normalise things, and then turn around to big deals. OH WAIT PEOPLE USUALLY GIVE EACH OTHER GIFTS. AND HANG OUT. AND ALL OF THAT.

... also kind of weirded out, because I have a semi strict policy of not doing things for people's birthdays if they failed to, like, even acknowledge mine, and now I'm wondering if that's dickish? I don't think so! Especially because, like.. I still get gifts for the people that I'm fondest of, regardless, and I used to give people big, showy gifts all the time. I just stopped when I realised I was getting slightly resentful of, like.. putting all of this time/effort/thought into trying to brighten someone's day and it wasn't reciprocated.

But maybe I should still be doing it? I don't know. Weird feelings here.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I've spent all weekend assuring people that negative feelings aren't petty, that it's perfectly okay to set boundaries, that people want to hear if you're annoyed -

- and at the same time, given the slightest spell of physical malaise, I start lounging around theatrically and start going AH, YES, I AM TOO PETTY TO FUCKING LIVE.

Shh, brain weasels. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, so stfu.

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
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