hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
 I could complain endlessly about everything, ha, but I don't want to.

I'm in a weird headspace lately. Is it possible to be confident and incredibly self conscious at the same time? I ask for feedback a lot and adapt myself according to it, because if you think that there's nothing in you that can use improvement, I think that's a bit fucked. And it's useful, I guess: I want to keep my personality palatable to others, not just to myself.

But it's just.. interesting, I guess, is the word? People mention things off hand, and it's a fascinating insight into how I'm viewed, and then I immediately want to analyze it, see how that opinion was formed, figure out if it's beneficial or not to how I want to be portrayed. Which is not the best mindset for me to exist in, I think, because then it morphs into things, like..

I have acne. It's not something I really care about, except when I'm breaking out very badly. It's hormonal, I ran through the efforts, the only solution is to take birth control, and all the women in my family end up top heavy as soon as they get pregnant / start on BC.

So it's not really something I'm interested in. People think I'm attractive even when I'm spotty, so whatever. But every time someone mentions it as something that I should be concerned about, I feel vaguely guilty! And people do this a lot. Because the fact of the matter is, if I took the risk with BC and got my skin cleared up, it would gain me social benefits. The prettier you are, the more leverage it gives you.

Which is my same issue with makeup, and wearing more feminine clothing. Like: if you have the ability to make your life easier for minimal effort, isn't it lazy if you don't use that? The only way you get up in the world is by using every tool you're given, but.. haha, I don't know. Some tools are more effort than I really care about putting out, and that's usually fine, but then I get iffy and worried when it comes up.

I'm going to just suck it up, though, and schedule an appointment to get checked for hormonal shit, though. If I tell the doctor flat out that I want my acne cleared, but I don't want to risk bust increase, they should hopefully be able to give me something? And my insurance covers birth control anyway, so it's literally nothing but laziness and a dislike for expanding unnecessary effort keeping me back, pfff.

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
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