hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Every time they do anything, my body turns out to be a worthless piece of shit in a new way.

And they're recommending ice packs, because I can no longer take pain medication. Jesus fucking christ. I don't know how I'm supposed to work with this. And I'm just frustrated because I'm still sedated and can't walk a straight line, and nothing makes me vaguely murderous than realising that it's affecting my fucking brain and I just can't see it right now, but.

Ugh ugh ugh. Three more hours of this drive to go. And I am overheating, **and** I want to cry, because the numbing part of the anaesthesia is completely off and everything fucking hurts again.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Incredibly stupid shit my mother said to me the other day:

"Well, I don't even know what the point of living is, when my body is a PRISON and I can't do anything I want."

I ended up going "LOL R U SRS, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO", but I'm so fucking tired of everyone everywhere and their casual alarming shit for the sake of emotional manipulation. It doesn't work, I don't fucking care, be an adult, act your age and stop trying to use the fact I arguably give a shit about you as a hammer to make me give you the responses you want.

(And tomorrow, I'm getting a tube down my throat. And my sister has to stay in the endoscopy room the entire time, per hospital policies, so she can't get lunch. Stress stress stress.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Slept fine, sister woke me up by first dropping laundry in my room, then exiting and re-entering like five times. "Pull the cover over your head and go back to sleep until 45," she sez.

I do so, and proceed to have a long dreamcycle dominated by my mother having a screaming, raging, breaking thing fit to the levels she used to when we were kids. Greeeeeeat.

I hope this endoscopy finds something so badly. If it does, I won't need this health insurance. I'll be able to apply to a new job, get an apartment, and have my parents be, by large and large, someone that is not my sister and I's problem for another ten years.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I feel like my retreat into looking pretty whenever I get toov stressed is representative of something unpleasant on our society. But if finding nice lipstick sales makes me feel better, whatever.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am glad that I have spent so long aggressively cultivating my confidence and self esteem. Because my brain can chase its tail all that it wants to, but my reflexive "LOL DUCK OFF" wrt stupid thoughts is on 100% power, haha.

God, I'm tired. And stressed! I guess it's good to actually just say that: I am stressed and I am coping better than I did in years past, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything by itself. Neither does being stressed, honestly. The work is still going to get done regardless of how increasingly ferrety it makes me feel to do it, because.. I mean, what's the point of being an adult if you can't process your feelings, evaluate them, and then compartmentalise to the point you can make things happen anyway?

One of my dads coworkers is a racist fuckwaffle who kept referring to Obama as a nigger. So my dad is currently doing both of their work by himself, as he told the guy to fuck off and never speak to him again unless it's passing parts, and.. it's the way he said it that made me lol, in a guilty way?

"Oh, just fuck off. Your feelings! Goddamn, I am so sick of hearing about all of your fucking FEELINGS, it's going to give me hives."

And - I think that's a good thing for me to remember? Feelings are not relevant to work. Stress is not relevant to work. You focus on it and you ignore everything else and you get shit done.

(but man, I'm stressed. |D)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
So many stress dreams. Usually I write them down, but I don't think I want to, just to ensure it will never fucking repeat.

Little signs that I am stressed: when I've managed to completely scratch up my neck, because my nervous tic of "scratch neck, say HM" is now occurring 24/7 and GUESS WHAT I HAVE. NAILS.

but also when I realised I hadn't talked to someone yet that day and I got the full body, sinking horror of "oh for fucks sake, did she kill herself?"

She is not one of the people I know who's suicidal, so it was literally just the result of worrying after another friend and projecting, but christ. I am so stressed, and I don't even know what to do about it at this point.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I think my thought process is entering the batshit range tonight, but ugh.

> Didn't eat dinner, because I have been getting weirdly, intensely painfully full from even eating small shit, and I ate a hummus pack. 300 calories! So I wasn't hungry for the next six hours, and then I got nauseous, and then I got anxious about the fact eating felt like it'd make me puke.

so I managed to down about three bites of the burrito I made, got sick, and so I guess I'm just.. rocking 600 or so calories today. And that's not helping my mood, but


> I'd feel so much better about being in pain if it wasn't for the way it makes me act? I'm being so fucking clingy and it's just.. it'd be fine if this was the sort of thing I could deflect through my usual social processes of "bug different groups of people each day", but I feel awful and I just want to hide out with set people. Except I feel awful, and that means I get weepy, and when I'm weepy, I don't want to deal with people.

I'm just. Flip-flopping on wanting to be around people or not, an dthen only wanting to be around SET PEOPLE, and whenever I have stipulations like that, it drives me batshit. Because god, do I hate clinginess. Especially in myself.


> I am, at this point, as tired of being stressed as I am tired of being in pain. And all I want to do is write fluff, but I don't have the energy to write fluff, and my canon ship for fluff is basically sunk, and uuuugh.


> I wish I could stop getting salty over that? Or over other internet stuff, because.. it's not worth it, at all, but here we are: me being a fucking salt mine of distress and woe over paltry internet games, who would've guessed. (I also wish I could stop getting salty at friends, but I think.. this is just not a good year so far for me staying impartial, because ughh.)

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay, I feel better, awful giant cat has decided the solution to me being in pain lately is just to lie down directly on top of my stomach and purr.

And it's painful in a different way! A DISTRACTING WAY. and the purring is soothing. so that's all good.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Step one of being Mar:

Take a bite of your dinner, dry-heave, burst into furious tears and then discover you're running a fever.

So my complete inability to just fucking deal with anything has a slight excuse, I guess.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Stomach trying to crawl out of my mouth, it's nbd.

I hate that I can't win by not eating, I can't win by eating, I can't win by eating only very set things. I'm at the point where, courtesy of throwing them up, I am finding it very difficult to eat fried eggs. The texture is literally just making me gag.

And grilled cheeses make me less sick than everything else, but still sick, and it's just. Ugh. I'm in less pain than I was last year. I'm at a better place than 2015, and definitely better than 2014. Each year the symptoms are getting better in some ways as I learn to accommodate them, and the food sitch is much better than it used to be, even as much as I complain...

But I wish I didn't have to deal with this at all.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I was going to post something about how my mood directly correlates to my stress, because the office is empty and nothing is on fire, and I'm bouncy and cheerful and chatty at everyone rn, but then I thought about it.

Pffffff. 💙💙❤
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Tfw your fondness spirals very, very abruptly from friendly acquaintances to actual affection, haha.

Also, note to self: DD more on the "I like people, but I assume everyone is some degree of terrible" mindset? Because it's not something I actually have to explain a lot, and I have no idea how to explain it, necessarily, beyond "??? how do you assume everyone's not terrible?"

Which sounds melodramatic and teenie-esque! So.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I think friends grow on me like vines, man. Someone can be awkward enough that they drive me batty at points, but I still look up one day and I'm inexplicably fond.

Case in point: I like this girl, but I did have a 30 second pause of "I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING SOUL" before I decided her text was funny.

(Her text was just "how's the internal organs?" Like, OKAY, YEAH I GUESS THAT'S HOW WE CAN START THIS CONVO.) (the fuck. QuQ)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 And in other news: on my birthday, I'll have 1k to spend on something fun! I have absolutely zero idea of anything to spend it on, so it'll honestly probs get cashed out and out into THE SAFE, but I'm pleased that my savings are almost at the point where I can do that.

(And once I hit 6k in THE SAFE, I can toss that at a loan, too, and wipe it out totally. My car is functionally paid off at this point, in terms of long term planning. DEBT FREE BY 26 REMAINS A POSSIBILITY, if I just keep on track.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Realisation:
 
There's a few people online that I would have absolutely, hands down, asked out by now if I knew them IRL. Because they're lovely people, and why not? I am fairly certain of my ability to retain friendships in the face of potential awkwardness.
 
The fact I can't say that about any of my irl friends right now is.. kind of funny, in an embarrassing way. I like boisterous assholes! The problem with that is that I'd never, ever date one, because it'd be too much to deal with on a daily fucking basis. 
 
Tl;dr: my "dating is never worth the time or investment" may be largely due to the pool of people I choose to expose myself to. Who could've ever have guessed? (and tl;dr: can't wait until wedding season is over, so I can stop thinking of relationships, pffff.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Do the thing, give it thirty minutes, promptly back track from doing the thing, because that's significantly more time than I'm willing to pool into this person.

But hey, at least I did the thing.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Went out, did the Saturday thing, am now desperately tired..

buuuuut it got pointed out that I also haven't eaten in basically two days, so I ate, and now I'm slightly more peppy. slightly. CAN I FOCUS ENOUGH TO WRITE NOW THAT I'M ON A KEYBOARD, THOUGH, is the real question.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
At the same time: I've been more frustrated, and thus aggressive, then I really should be for anyone's comfort lately. I'm in pain, yeah, but that isn't an excuse to let go of my temper. Especially because part of my ire is aimed at online, part of it is pain, but a large portion of pissiness is just from IRL, which is not internet people's problems and should not be made into their problem.

So I'm going to take a breath and reign it in. I sort of leaned in for a moment, and: n. The way you behave at your most stressed is more reflective of your character than the way you behave at your best.

(But: irl, it's the same old. I don't know why every time I try to say "this is uncomfortable, I don't appreciate it," I get rebuffed for being immature. Like, no, you're being insulting on the pretense that it's fun, affectionate games, but if I'm not laughing, it's /not fun/?)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. weird thing about reciprocity, while I'm thinking about it. This is not about anything in particular: someone asked me to draw their character last night and then, ah, never actually responded to me posting the pic, and then there was a discussion of reciprocity at a later point, both of which have me thinking about it today. But it's also just a general accumulation of thoughts.

The reason I don't do portraits for any of my Exalted games anymore is because, like.. I like drawing other people's characters, sure, but I like making art for people primarily as a dialogue. I draw a picture, they give feedback, the picture gets tweaked to something that is visually satisfying to everyone involved, and my entertainment from the process comes in the fact I have someone else actively involved in it.

Every once in awhile, I offer up people art in Exalted or roleplay in general, and.. no responses, no comments, you have to drag a reply out of them, and it's like "???". It's not like I'm drawing for the accolades, haha, but it's just interesting to offer to make something, someone says yes, you make it, and then.. no response, beyond "thanks!".

Which.. I'm specifying art here, but I do the same with cakes! Or baked goods in general, if it's more time-consuming than chocolate chip cookies, because, like.. weird differing expectations? I'm not anticipating a five minute conversation on a gift, because that'd be silly and I don't want to slog through that, but my standard response to a gift is:

> "oh, thanks!"
> something that I like about it
> commentary on the gift, or on what I'll do with it, so they know I appreciate it

Most of the time, that's three sentences! At most, that's, like.. a two minute conversation, if they tag onto the response rather than letting the conversation drift.

IDK. I like making people gifts, and I don't think I've ever given someone something that they're ungrateful for? Ungrateful is a very harsh word! But I do sometimes feel like I offer people up shit, and instead of them going "ah, this is nice! awesome!", it's.. feeding into an expectation of the fact that this is just what I do, rather than an expression of affection.

(I think a lot of people view my social maintainence the same way? Like, I offer up emotional support to a lot of people, and I can count the number of times I've actually been thanked for it on one hand? There's an expectation that, because I've done this in the past, I will always do this.. and given that I very rarely have people actually offering up support in the same sense, the thought people think that I'm doing this because I am somehow obliged makes me kind of want to burn down every relevant bridge and flounce to nicer people.)

(But, okay, no. I broke my ghosting habit. Not gonna lean back into it now. I.. joined an entire RP forum just to ghost on it in a week, I am already leaning back into it, so I don't need to lean in more.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
pffft, haha
.
Even thinking about dating always makes me go "well, shit, SHOULD I be dating more?" Because for all of my fussing about how you tell dating from a friendship, dating in itself is a lot of fun, and the primary difference in it, for me, is just the greater allowance for physical affection and contacts.

So friend + increased physical contact + lowered social boundaries about the topics we'll discuss, basically. And that is always a nice arrangement to have! Even when you're not actually attracted to them, ala poor E, just the opportunity for socially acceptable cuddling that can't get weird is pretty great.

.. but unfortunately, everyone gets weird if you're dating. x) Oh, well.

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