hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 I could complain endlessly about everything, ha, but I don't want to.

I'm in a weird headspace lately. Is it possible to be confident and incredibly self conscious at the same time? I ask for feedback a lot and adapt myself according to it, because if you think that there's nothing in you that can use improvement, I think that's a bit fucked. And it's useful, I guess: I want to keep my personality palatable to others, not just to myself.

But it's just.. interesting, I guess, is the word? People mention things off hand, and it's a fascinating insight into how I'm viewed, and then I immediately want to analyze it, see how that opinion was formed, figure out if it's beneficial or not to how I want to be portrayed. Which is not the best mindset for me to exist in, I think, because then it morphs into things, like..

I have acne. It's not something I really care about, except when I'm breaking out very badly. It's hormonal, I ran through the efforts, the only solution is to take birth control, and all the women in my family end up top heavy as soon as they get pregnant / start on BC.

So it's not really something I'm interested in. People think I'm attractive even when I'm spotty, so whatever. But every time someone mentions it as something that I should be concerned about, I feel vaguely guilty! And people do this a lot. Because the fact of the matter is, if I took the risk with BC and got my skin cleared up, it would gain me social benefits. The prettier you are, the more leverage it gives you.

Which is my same issue with makeup, and wearing more feminine clothing. Like: if you have the ability to make your life easier for minimal effort, isn't it lazy if you don't use that? The only way you get up in the world is by using every tool you're given, but.. haha, I don't know. Some tools are more effort than I really care about putting out, and that's usually fine, but then I get iffy and worried when it comes up.

I'm going to just suck it up, though, and schedule an appointment to get checked for hormonal shit, though. If I tell the doctor flat out that I want my acne cleared, but I don't want to risk bust increase, they should hopefully be able to give me something? And my insurance covers birth control anyway, so it's literally nothing but laziness and a dislike for expanding unnecessary effort keeping me back, pfff.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Also, pbbbt, I'm amused, but not super charmed by the fact I've had six people so far - including one who is against d all use of drugs - tell me that I should get a medical marijuana card, because it'll cover all of my needs. Increase appetite! Pain relief! Let me theoretically get more sleep at a higher quality!

And get totally booted off of my job that is covering all of my frankly excessive health care costs, but eyyyy.

Like, n, chill. I'm scatter brained enough from all of this without adding a depressant to the mix. x)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Every time I'm like "okay, I'm juggling this just fine, one part of the tent is falling down but the rest is cool", I realise.. I'm just a little too foggy to have noticed all the parts that are actually falling in.

It's nothing at work, at least! And it's nothing serious. It's just, like.. it is one thing to repeatedly see proof in my social interactions that I am not firing on all cylinders right now, but it's another to see my lack of focus slipping into everything else? I always think I'm so good at compartmentalising.

I just feel exceptionally daft right now, haha. It's alright, though. Stiff upper lip, try to keep my calorie count up to at least above 1200, and do what I can, I guess! Being sick feels like a constant form of triage with everything I want to do, and everything I need to do, but that's just something you have to work with, like everything else.

And this all just means I need to set more reminders.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. naaaaah, fuck it, I just had a very convincing conversation about how, if sleeping away the day made me less vapid and life more sustainable before, I should probably just roll with it and see if it works again.

so, okay! back to extensive constant naps and 8-9PM crashing, I guess. here's to hopiiiiiing.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Sort of weirded out by the tendency to get attention from people on, like, the days that I look the absolute shittiest? as far as I'm concerned! I like my face, I like my build, don't get me wrong - bu~ut unstyled hair and t-shirts is not what I would consider attractive enough to warrant asking out.

So I'm not judging, but also, totally judging.

Also, the weirdest compliment I've gotten yet: "your teeth look SO NICE!" Like, girl, pls, my eyes are up here.

Summer is proving, as always, fucking insane. quick list of updates:

  • One of my brother's roomies is moving out, because his girlfriend is pregnant. It turns out my brother has been paying his rent every month, but his roomies have not, and.. they haven't been paying bills, any of them? So my mum's just been taking money out of the money that my dad/I/my sister give her, and using that to pay their bills, as well as cover for them not giving the rent. Which is why she has been freaking out about money and everyone's been going "??? but we gave you --"
  • My sister is taking over the bills spreadsheet, at least partially, but not sure how that's going to go, because she's got too much shit going on already, ugh.
  • My father got removed from one job, because they were over-staffed, and he was bringing attention to the fact they're not reaching OSHA compliancy. He got placed on another job by the same company last week. This week, they're moving him back to the original job, because someone got injured, one of the buildings now needs to be redone, and they specifically called him back. It's like: fuckers, are you serious? I am glad he's back on this original job, because it's nearby, it's not at night, and he works well in the type of environment it is - they're still awful, racist dicks, as is the perpetual issue with our union, but it's normal level, not distressing.
  • Sometimes I think I'd like to work with a union, because I do love the benefits and I love the idea of them. But then I look at the way unions actually treat the people working in them, and being a free agent feels SO MUCH BETTER.
  • Admin in the warehouse has retired, which means all of her work is getting transferred to J and I. My trainee is going on vacation in June, and has announced she's also taking that Monday off, which is her new way of operating - leave me with both of the Mondays, because Mondays are the day that you have Saturday paperwork + full routes on Monday + FSV, and you basically have no room to breathe at all. Understandable that she wants off. Mildly outraging to me, though.
  • I got gossip from my trainee, though! I thought the entire issue was that the megacorp was not allowing us to hire more drivers. It turns out the supervisors are not hiring enough drivers, because - as I have repeatedly heard them discussing - they feel like everyone applying for the positions are unqualified, and they don't want to hire them as a result. Which is actively making everyone else's jobs harder. jesus.
  • I am just having one extended flare-up this month, which my sister says is probably good, because - if I'm lucky, it'll still be going on in June, when I get my fun medical experimentation stint? And, like, yeah, let that be the case, please, so they can actually find something. But I was throwing up all day yesterday, and I'm just.. I sort of wish I was working part-time, and I wasn't juggling a server game, and that I wasn't involved in a round-robin, and that I didn't have art to finish and fics to finish and people to talk to and IRL chores, because... all I want to do is sleep. If I didn't have commitments, I am pretty sure this would be 2014 "12 hour sleep schedule" all over again. Frustrating in the sense that it makes me waste so much fucking time, but.. it kept me more functional, haha. Emotionally.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay! I'm finally, finally, finally winding down. That was a great eight hours.

I wonder, honestly, if my occasional full day tizzies are just, like.. thyroid attacks? There's nothing that warranted that level of flat-out distress today, honest to god. It was all very chill. I shut my office door for an hour and just.. hyperventilated, basically, at the end, which: wtf self? I didn't get this stressed during finals with a dead dog, a dead computer, and no car.

But all day was basically the closest to a panic attack that I have, and I've been having these in conjugation with my symptoms increasing, I'm starting to realise. And thyroid attacks can feel like anxiety attacks, according to people.

so: hmm.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am always.. very satisfied by the fact I can be in any amount of upset and not actually show it very much? It's a defense mechanism, yeah, but it's a really useful one, I think. If it's not my body actually fucking with me, I am pretty stone-faced!

That's such a huge fucking relief. Like, yes, I'm a bucket of stress right now, but fake it until you make it! If no one can tell, that's almost like it's not happening!

.. which is the most depressing statement of the year.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 I'm just stress prattling in here today. I'm not like, having an emotional breakdown or anything, I'm just.. not doing great, and I need to dump this shit somewhere so that it's said, it's out, it's gone and it's not festering, because I've forced myself to think it through.

So: I am not as stressed as I could be. My OCD is not flaring up in any of the typical ways. Too destress, I probably can just lean into organising things - my constant prattling at poor Cloudy over shoving all of the logs into a private tumblr, so I can make a tagging system and people can find plots/characters easier, in hindsight, was probs because I am stressed and that's an easy, manageable goal for me to pursue that feels both social and helpful.

What will also help is making a list of all the IRL things I need to do, and actually doing them. I'm tired and they're looming, and they're not going to stop looming until I do it, so being tired is frankly irrelevant and I need to get off my fucking ass.

... I'm so tempted to say eating more will help? But ugh. I brought popcorn to work and we can all see about how well that's helping to stabilise my mood.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 On top of everything else, my mums former bff and my pseudo aunt is being alarming and suicidal siren warning signs on FB, and I have no idea what to do, or how to help. We're not close. I don't really get her, and like - she's got so many of the same issues as my mum, but there's an unfortunate class gap that she's hyperaware of and that I don't know how to bridge, either.

I am just. There is too much on my plate lately, and I think saying that you can't handle something is largely a cop out - of course I can fucking handle whatever gets put on my plate. What's the alternative? You either keep moving until it gets better or falls into a rhythm, or else.. there really is no other option? Always putting one foot in front of the other is just part of being an adult.

But I don't really want to handle it. I am, and I can, and I will, but goddamn if climbing into a hole for a few years and not coming out isn't a great fantasy right now.

Oh, well, I just need to pile up on shit that's not stressful to balance it out. And figure out what that is, because I'm out of books again, ugh.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Little less seethingly hysterical today. We'll see how this goes with A. in the office.

I'm.. just ready for the weekend, haha.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am incredibly, destructively tired and resentful of so many people right now, and it's not really fair? But every time I even think about politics, it's fucking exhausting. And it's so frustrating to have so many friends who voted for Stein or just didn't vote, because they thought Clinton was awful, and, like -

- they're white! They don't have to worry about people threatening to fucking murder them based on ethnicity. You get this shit shouted at you out of cars, you get people bringing up this in arguments, you get constant gentle reminders that oh, aren't you SO GLAD that this doesn't happen anymore and you're ALLOWED to be so outspoken, bless your heart, xoxo.

And it's just terrifying and distressing and I wish I could stop being so fucking freaked out about this constantly. I can't even turn off the news and try to ignore it, because there's confederate flags everywhere, and now apparently GIANT NAZI SHIT on cars, and my sister got pulled over and I'm just.

Everything is stressing me out, and I'm over reacting to everything, and I wish I could stop crying over stupid shit. I know it's my brain trying to relieve stress in any way that it can, but I'm just really tired and I don't know what to do.

Joking! The solution is to sleep. So I'm going to do that.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Things that are fine to eat, with these enzymes:
> icecream

Things that are abruptly not fine to eat with these enzymes, despite eating them every single fucking day:
> broccoli

this ibuprofen is not wooooorking.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Also tired of my brain defaulting to dreams about my dead cat dying as a means of.. something? Idk, it's stressful, and I don't like it, especially when it's got passive aggressive slaps added like "here's how long these OTHER animals lived" and people asking in dream if I'm ever going to bother owning a pet again.

Like, stooooop, it's been almost two years.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 I am so tired lately. My fault! But I'm never really paying full attention to anything anymore and that's starting to show, unfortunately. Which.. 

I don't know how people don't see their own mistakes, assess them, and automatically figure out ways not to do them again. I've been being slightly inconsiderate with regards to not thinking about how my complaints may be taken by the people I'm complaining to - this has been an issue lately online, but it's also popped up irl. The assumption on my end that my faves will automatically assume they're exempt is a silly one! Which, now that I've acknowledged, I can work on being more conscientious of, you know?


I'm tired as fuck today, with a lot of errands to run, and.. I guess the nice thing about being tired is that my filter runs low? I'm tired and in pain, and that means I'm just high key, excessively fluffy at everyone right now. If I were at home, I'd bake something to show that, lol.

As is, I'm just going to make my office into a lava pit with this heater, take some ibuprofen and chill. x) I am lucky both of my usual early morning converstional partners are offline, tho, pffff.

(Speaking of fluff, though: the renewed attempts for HS folks to initiate contact with me has just left me deeply grateful for Cloud/Bel/Cass, who are my main, 'every single day' chatting pals? Like, flat out, they're just all deeply charming people, not only compared to prior groups of online pals, but also just, like, in GENERAL. 💜)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 I've complained about loud voices a lot, and it's.. hmm! I think I have a problem with complaining about things, without thinking of how people may view it in the context of themselves? I guess this is a problem that most people have, though, so there's no actual reason to feel too bad. Just something to keep in mind!

Anyway, I.. started this post, got distracted, and never actually finished it, so IDK what I was gonna say.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
character: is explicitly, uncomfortably racist to the minority character, who also looks uncomfortable.


Odin: casual racist grandpa

observe: shadow trying really hard not to laugh

I will be less "I am never going to watch this show with anyone ever again" by the end of it, but: not sure under any context in which a white character making wetback jokes to a black character is supposed to be funny.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I got an exciting lecture about not giving myself a heart attack from my dad, which is valid, I guess. My heart is still being a piece of shit today. I should probs sit down and try to explain what it feels like for documentation purposes, but not right now, haha. "It actively hurts to the point it is a distraction" is sufficient, I think.

Everyone is more alarmed about it than I or my sister am, though. IDK. I just have to sit down and wait it out. I know the constant up and down of THE CAGE sets it off, so at least I know it's a temporary thing.

In the meanwhile: deep breathes and don't get stressed, so it doesn't make it worse. Ughhh.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Tfw you wake up in the middle of the night bc yes, normal sleep pattern, but also

Apparently I did not walk off jacking up my hip on THE CAGE, because holy fuuck it hurts.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 ... if I drive an hour out to dig up twelve rose bushes to bring them home, my family will murder me, and then my friends will murder me.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 I do need to stop complaining about health stuff, though, because everything is perfectly routine to me by now, but I think it is mildly concerning for other people? IDK, IDK, I just think about this weekend and go GOSH, THAT WAS AN AWFUL LOT OF COMPLAINTS, haha.

Things I need to do, anyway:
> buy floss / nail clippers / portable toothbrush+paste / tiny spray deodorant for bag. maybe tiny brush? 
> buy waterproof speaker, along with bluetooth adapter, find wireless mouse 
> Chicago plane tickets
> re-read up on OCD practices? it's died down to functional nonexistence for most of the year, which is great, but: better to be prepared
> look up minifreezers on CL
> sell the fucking car, you lazy slacker
> call Cleveland Clinic and see if I can get a better day. Tuesday? Monday evening??


hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

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