hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I don't usually talk about my dad, because.. he doesn't give me any reasons to? But I love him lots.

Specifically because he's great, but also stuff like when I get up after five hours of sleep, fussing because five hours of sleep and I can't get back to sleep and I have to get up at 9AM on Monday, instead of 5AM and my sleep schedule is fucked

his response was "okay, you haven't eaten, so you need to get some food. if you can't go back to sleep, you probably need to take an enzyme pill, because you said eating at night leaves you with stomach cramps in the morning, and the enzymes probably don't work while you're asleep. get something to eat, take an enzyme pill, then take some ibuprofen, and you'll be able to get back to sleep."

And okay, perfectly reasonable solution! One that didn't work in the end, because I'm physically incapable of going back to sleep once I get up, unless it's like.. 2AM. But! I APPRECIATED THE THOUGHT AND THE REASONING AND THE EFFORT. <3 <3

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
General thoughts and reflections, I guess!

My basic life structure goals right now are:

> pay student loans down to 5-6k, which will then be used to boost my credit
> solve this fucking medical problem
> get an apartment afterwards

Living at home helps with those goals, and it helps with the fact my parents fucking suck at budgetting, or paying their bills, or.. not being in debt. I've given up on my initial froshie dream of getting a high enough paying job to remove their debt: even if I did, they'd just promptly dig their way back into it. They're not great with money. Okay.

Living at home, contributing money, and cutting an excuse for them to waste cash buying a new car all is a way of helping with that. And it benefits me in that I have people to remind me that I need to eat even when I'm curled up in the fetal position for the weekend. (Not this weekend! I've actually been feeling okay, thank fucking heavens.)

... but a lot of my friends have taken the alternate route of getting an apartment, then paying down their student loans between bills. And they're both viable routes! I will have my debts paid off before they have theirs paid off, but the price is that they have complete independence from their family, and I don't, which is a touch frustrating. There's nothing particularly shameful about living with your parents, if you're contributing to the household, but I will not be living with my parents by the time I'm 26, because the thought fucking chafes.

IDK, IDK. This is just me wishing I could have it both ways, haha! I want independence, but I want to stick to my plan to be in a position of relative financial stability and have the option of taking risks without incurring major loss at 26. :[

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
In today's maternal antics:

> was informed that she should accompany me to the store, "so someone doesn't start shouting 'GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY' at you! :D'

> was informed that I should be careful going to Hobby Lobby, because it's conservative and someone might mistake me for a shop-lifter and shoot me

> on the way back, she pointed out there's a car broken down with a lady in it, in front of one of the hella nice houses in the neighborhood next to ours. For context: next to a four-way, probably like 3 acres, ton of trees, three story, two-garage house.

ME: She's fine, she's on her cellphone. And off the road.
MOM: Yeah, but she's white.
MOM: She's probably scared, since it's a mostly black neighborhood.
ME: If she's scared to be in a rich, black neighborhood, then she fucking deserves it.

.. then promptly went home and informed my father that SHE'D called the police to help the lady out, because I said she deserved to be stuck and left there.


Oh, yes, and despite the apology yesterday, and despite freaking my dad the hell out yesterday, she's immediately swung back into deciding that I'm over-blowing the entire medical thing. Because plenty of people have cysts on their liver, and it doesn't really MEAN anything, and honestly, why is anyone even concerned? It could be a parasite! A parasite is just treated by antibiotics!

Tired, tired, tiiiired. And my royal icing doesn't want to turn out. My god.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
My dad thinks I have cancer, my mum has been telling everyone every single horrible variant that I could possibly have, and she informed me that she'd read an article about how my liver being fucked up could've been affecting my moods. Upon my sister going "dude, they don't have moods," she announced that she knew, because she was getting the brunt of them.

And then she apologised like thirty minutes later for calling me a hysterical hypochondriac repeatedly over the past five years. Like, apologies don't mean anything, this is five years of making me doubt every single medical problem to the point I almost ended up in the hospital over an allergic reaction, because: well, she thought I was being hysterical again, and god only knows I can't tell up from down.

I'm in a fine mood, I'm just.. not willing to deal with them right now. Also, I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. why. :(

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. also, thoroughly in one of those moods where I'm just being picky and pissy at everyone, over everything.

I'm starting to realise my pissiness is mostly.. rational? I'm so used to folks reminding me that you have to stay chill, don't let people get to you, visible distress or anger is just feeding into their urge for a reaction, and the best way to handle someone behaving inappropriately is just.. go 100% business professional. This is not a conversation, this is an explanation of where you were wrong, why you were wrong, and now we can discuss if 1) you're going to fix it, or 2) if we're formally dissolving this shit.

.. this is for things that are deeply inappropriate, obviously, not tiffs. Tiffs are just contemplating if you even care enough to find out the reasoning behind why they did the thing they did, and if you care enough to drop them over it. Which: when you weigh it out as cost vs. effect, it's generally easy to decide. Not actually being friends with people, vs. being acquaintances, makes it easier, too, because.. then it's basically never worth it, short of something completely awful, i.e. slurs being used.

But it's alright to be annoyed over things, even if you're not going to do anything with that knowledge. I've gotten a lot steadier lately since I've started going, "okay, you're allowed to feel this, you're allowed to express this, but you aren't allowed to make it other people's problem". It's so much easier to get over thoughts, when you have it written down on paper, you can come back when you're impartial and re-read it, and then decide if it's worth that initial emotional reaction.

I actually don't have a reason to be annoyed today, though, apart from "everyone kept waking me up from 6AM on, continuously, and I probably didn't actually even get the 7:40 of sleep my tracker claims". x) I'm just aggrieved in general by the existence of other people. I'll get over it by evening.

... in terms of me being completely overboard, though, I spent a good forty minutes yesterday trying to convince my sister that we should give the renters in the other house 24HRs notice, and then fucking kick them out. Let them sleep in their car during the blizzard for a few days, and see if frostbite makes them adequate human beings.

I don't like my brother. Like, flat-out, he's a sheep who mirrors every single awful opinion he ever hears, he used to fucking hit me, and I've spent too many years actually paying his bills to ever find him tolerable. Also: yells at my mother, which is fucking absurd, given that he's the only person in this entire family that she actually likes, and deliberately biases everything in favour towards.

BUT they posted some racist meme on Facebook, and referenced him in regards to it. I don't like my brother, but honest to fucking god, we're renting this house to them as a favour to him, and if they've proven themselves disgusting people, then they can get out of the house. I'm not sure if they actually have cars to sleep in, but that is not my problem, should've thought it through, jackasses.

My sister's POV is that we have to let my brother handle it himself, though, because he's thirty. I get her point, honestly, I just also find it.. irritating? IDK, man, people want to use racial slurs period, in any fucking context, but especially against my family, and it's like.. if you're going to bite the hand that's feeding you and call it a nigger, when my parents decided to help out for no reason except basic kindness because they had nowhere else to go, you 1) deserve to get slapped, and 2) deserve to STARVE ON THE STREETS, BECAUSE OUR HOMELESS SHELTERS SUCK, and I don't even know if they've got a working car between the two of them.

I don't really care, either. Not my problem! Think of the consequences of your actions before you fucking do it, assholes.

(If I informed my parents as to this, then my brother's roommates would not even get 24hour notice, they'd probably just.. have the police escorting them out with an eviction notice. I don't think Ohio has renter protections. And that's why I'm not, because my sister has laid down the law, she's the one in charge of the renters, and she does have a point about letting my brother fight his own battles.)

(I can go tromping in, play the bad guy and burn down every single fucking bridge. I've already made it 110% clear to everyone in that house, much to their alarm, that IDGAF about them, either they pay the rent on time or else they are out. Because they're pieces of shit, I knew they were pieces of shit when I met them, they have never proven that they have the slightest shred of adequacy in their fucking bones, I spoke out against even renting the house to them, so fuck no, it worked out perfectly well to emphasize every shred of leniency given has been through my sister's grace and against my will, which is why they have her added on FB. And why she spotted this.)

(They're such fucking dumbasses.)

(But my sister has a point about my brother. He has legitimately never done a single goddamn thing by himself in his entire life, so this is, like, good cut-and-clear practice? There is only one answer here, and that's informing his roommates that their behaviour is unacceptable, they need to apologise - and when they do, then kicking them the fuck out.)

(But he's not going to. He's going to shove this under the rug, because he's fine with being treated this way, and he's already spent the past two years echoing back plenty of racist shit, like people don't look at him and think he's a fucking terrorist. My brother is the special kind of ignorant where he's brown, gets mistaken by people from the Middle East as being Arabic all the time, and still thinks he's white. So he's not going to do anything in response to this at all, and I'm so fucking annoyed over this.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I appreciate my parents! Especially my dad, who like.. doesn't trust me to have the energy to actually get food, and so is always bringing me something.

But I'm so tired of them waking me up.

To give credit: my dad tried, and kept shushing my mum from 6AM to 7AM, but then they got into an argument over the breaker killing or something, and were shouting from the basement to the computer room. And then from the living room to the computer room. And then in the hall outside of my computer room, because no one understands simple things like "indoor voices" and "walk over to someone if you're going to talk", or at the very least, "we all have cellphones, instead of shouting, why don't we USE THEM."

Frustrating.

It's a very petty complaint to have, but I can't sleep with earphones in, because the latex ones make my ears swell and my dad hijacked all of my silicone ones for work. And I am so tired.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Every time I'm like, "I need to be kinder to my mother," she reminds me why I don't give her leniency.

One day to function through "standing up all day, bouncing between the front of the office and the back b/c I have to do shit in MY OFFICE and B's, on the other side of the building, while juggling all of both of our duties, WITHOUT FOOD, because that'll make me sick, and while sitting down enough in between I don't get woozy enough to faint, because no one can get in the Cage if I hit my head" is sleeping nine hours. I get up at 9:30AM - 10:00AM, which gives me enough time to shove food down my throat, let the ibuprofen take affect, get dressed and be in the office before the nausea sets in.

My mom woke me up at 8:00AM crowing about how, since I was in the cage, no one was going to go to her kidney doctor appointment with her, so we could go fuck ourselves. Okay. I got up, confirmed her location and time, pointed out that my sister got off work early today specifically to do this, and also, could she keep her voice down, because I still had an hour to two hours to go before I should be up.

Laid down. Texted my sister the location and the new time, because my mother re-scheduled it for an hour earlier than she told any of us. Fell back asleep.

My mother pulled open my door, stood in the doorway for a few minutes, then announced : "- something WEIRD is going on outside!" and took herself to fucking bed.

Like, it's sheer luck I managed to get back to sleep once, I just laid in bed for the last thirty minutes before I gave the fuck up. This is so rude and unneccessary, I hate it so much, because.. this is not an appropriate way to interact with people, but especially not your family? I've been getting annoyed a lot over the past few days because of what I've been referring to as malsocial behaviour, but honest to god, she knows I wake up really fucking easily, and that I can't really do the "go back to sleep" thing. People talking outside of my door wakes me up. Opening up my bedroom door, when it's shut, when she knows I am trying to get back to sleep, is not any better than fucking pounding on it.

grump grump grump

(also, I just put a big chunk of change in my savings, and then promptly fucking wiped it out with medical bills. I'm so mad. I'm still gradually building back up my big savings account, but.. I'm so mad.)

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