hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
1) The drivers have been harassing my trainee. Great that I'm not the only horrible comments, horrible in that why are people like this?
B) My aggressively playing up the fact I am SO YOUNG and SO TWEE, and LOOK, my MOTHER drives me to WORK, and I am FRAIL and SCARED OF BUGS, like your CHILDREN has netted me a shit ton of paternalistic behaviour that alternatively creeps me the fuck out and upsets me, but hey, that's better than the really scary dude who already hates me rattling on the window and demanding that I give him my number. Like he's been doing to my trainee.
C) no wonder my boss keeps going "if people are being inappropriate, PLEASE LET ME KNOW."

2) I do not like dudes, even ones that I like, entering my office and shutting the door behind them. I really, really, really do not like it when it's 7AM and everyone is out for interviews. Or when it's a dude that hit on me once, I shut it down, and it turns out he's married and has children.

3) Okay, I assume everyone that's older than thirty and is white is going to be basically racist. It's a lot easier to keep a smile on my face if I do that, because guess what: I won't be surprised or upset when they make racist comments. "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed."

It is very, very disconcerting to realise that someone who's been mostly nice to your face actually kind of thinks you are shit. I mean, I already knew that, and I moderated how I answered his questions to get the best possible results, but it's one thing to know it and another to be informed.

It is also very, very disconcerting to realise someone who's been perfectly nice and kind to you would do a complete 360 if he realised I wasn't black.

I am just tired and stressed. Gossiping is great, finding out that basically everyone I work with is horrible and racist and my mild alarm towards them (turns out almost everyone in the FRONT OFFICE has concealed carry, too! great!) is not unwarranted, as I have been steadily assuring myself, but it's actually completely fucking legitimate.

Also, I'm just.. really tired of holding conversations where I'm guiding it, asking questions, delving into people's lives and learning all these things about them, and it's never, ever reciprocated. It's just people talking at me, about themselves, and expecting me to pour energy and enthusiasm in in response. Six questions about me and my stuff over six hours! The most I managed to talk and hold attention is when I agreed someone was awful and gave my personal experience as to why.

If this is a reoccuring issue in my life, then it's something on my end that's causing it. So the solution is to figure out what it is, excise it and try again. But I'm not going to even try and figure that out tonight, because I'm tired, I've been on my feet all day and all I've eaten is an egg at the start of the shift, and one at the end. So, time to get food.

Hopefully I'll feel better once I do.

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
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