hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

Hello! My name is Dane, also known as Mar if you're from certain circles of the internet.

This is mostly a vent blog to document my moods and thoughts that I want to get off my chest, and note certain cycles for analysation purposes. I do post about other things, though, and I try not to let this journal get too excessively theatrical. I'm in my early twenties, I think I'm a little old for that. :p

But it is a vent blog. Opinions expressed here are out of context, and probably not entirely fair depictions of the people involved. And it doesn't especially make for the best read! If you're checking me out because I put you on my reading list, reciprocity is definitely not expected.

Small facts about myself for newcomers:

  • I am non-binary! This essentially just means that, when I am in my forties, I will probably undergo a medical transition, but I have no desire for it to aversely affect my career or personal life prior to that, so I'm just sucking it up in the meanwhile. You can use whatever standard pronoun you want. It's the internet, I really don't give a shit.
  • I am not white!
  • I am in my early twenties, I have diagnosed OCD, and I use a cane sometimes. Cars can fuck you up, man.
  • Sometimes I write! Mostly original stuff and fandom OCs, but I may start posting kink meme fills on here as well. We'll see!
  • My tags are mostly self-explanatory, I think, and they're located on the sidebar.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Awake in the middle of the night to puke.

No problem! Everything is fiiiiine.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I wish I wasn't in a flare-up, but this is not new, or particularly something that needs to be said.

Things that do, maybe:

> I cannot do certain activities at all, or else I'll take them too far and injure myself in the process. I know this. I really, really, really want to fucking do them anyway. Adulthood, I guess, is acknowledging I cannot and refusing.

> My sister wants to go on a two-day roadtrip to see more of the US. She brought this up impromptu, after inquiring about when B was returning to the US, and informed me that I should ask and see if they'd be up for a visit. This is perfectly reasonable? I am still low-key bristling, because I am, admittedly, mildly batshit about my privacy, perceived or otherwise, and.. I don't like that people automatically assume anything.

But then again, I'm probably being grouchy.

> Taking showers when the water is hot enough to steam makes me feel better, because it gets rid of the constant low muscle ache. Yay! It also makes me deeply lethargic, and leaves my joints sore. So maybe don'ttttt, self.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Sometimes things make zero sense but you just have to try, and that's why I made a pillow nest on the floor and have buried myself under four layers of blankets to make myself feel better.

Weirdly, it is working.
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If one person is so much as emotionally vulnerable at me for the rest of the day, I will set them on fucking fire. I'm tired, tired, tired of being everyone's comfort tool of choice, which is what it feels like.

And I'm throwing a hissy fit in part because it hurts to stand up, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to be awake at *all* right now, but I keep having to deal with other people's feelings. Like, fuck off, this is a one-way street of concern, I am sick as a dog, and I don't want to deal with it.

Or be in pain. I wouldn't mind dealing with it if I wasn't in so much fucking pain right now. D|
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Slightly weepy diatribe about how much I hate dudes touching me goes here.

Especially when it's "grabs me, moves me, then fake yells in my face and goes DID I SCARE YOU DANIELLE" when I startle

Yes, ofc I was fucking scared, everyone in the office knows I'm startled easily, leave me alone.
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I may be having an allergic reaction, or this full body fucking scratching fest may be stress / anxiety from this pain. IDK! U took anti allergy meds and I am going the fuck to bed before I transition from "is leaving welts" to "breaking skin" whenever I stop actively making sure I am not.

Just fuck my entire life right now.
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There's always something unfortunate when the pain gets bad enough that I can't focus on anything. Apparently that was my problem at work today, the reason I've been so jittery, and everything else, that only kicked in when I started walking around at home.

It is stressful. I can't really think about anything, because it keeps going back to the fact I hurt. I can't really do anything, because it hurts. My only option is to go to sleep, even though it's not even none, and that's assuming oh yeah

that I can even sleep when it hurts this much.

My sister thinks it's because I've started drinking pop and tea again. If that's the case, and I can't have carbonation or caffeine, that's fine. I can deal with this, but I really don't want to.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Things I dislike about flareups:

Am I shaky because of exhaustion, because I'm cold, or because the room is literally tilting and that's fucked up?


(I don't realise how amazing I feel on average, even with the constant fatigue, until this shit starts up again.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I've got a lymph node swollen to the size of a small golf ball right under my chin, so at least it's not visible. But it hurts. And now my chronic whatever the fuck this is is acting up, and the result is that I both want to puke, and I'm in actual, nagging pain enough that I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm a little frustrated.
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My sister thinks she knows me, and she does, to an extent, but that doesn't mean I still can't seethe over it.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Interesting conversation with my sister in the car:

The constant, low key buzz of anxiety, like you're in a room with too many people and too much noise, and all you can ever do in life is distract yourself from it, so it's not overwhelming.

This is my constant baseline. This is hers! She was dismissive of my statement that maybe this is just the result of living fairly stressful lives 24/7, but I could say that the house was on fire and she would dismiss me: we've covered that before. It might just be a chemical thing, or an upbringing thing, because my dad got anxious and had panic attacks as a kid, and my mother is my mother.

But IDK. Point of this is just that I deal with this by chattering constantly, at myself if I don't have anyone else, because a constant stream of socialisation keeps my attention scattered just enough that I don't enter into the mental circlejerk of anxiety.

Which is why I'm on my phone, talking to people constantly, and probably why I get fluffy at anyone who's usually available to indulge.
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I guess it's kind of sad that so much of my self soothing relies on fiscal stability.

But it does feel nice to be able to look at my bank account to calm myself down. Like, okay, I'm doing okay. I'm really good at saving money, holding still and never spending it. Getting slightly teary over if buying Starbucks is fiscally irresponsible, given I have purchased ESO this month and am gonna get Hiveswap, is not actually.. super reasonable, because I can afford it, and I am /okay./

And I can throw more money at my parents for bills, so.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
godd, I'm just fucking up lately.

Latest mishap: four hundred calories yesterday, god only knows how many on Tuesday, except not enough, and now I get to deal with the mood crashing downfall of this. And the anxiety. And the whole body "NOPE" as I try to shovel food down my goddamn gullet.

Whatever. I'll get food, I'll crash hard in about an hour, I'll feel better in the morning.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I love my dad! I was trying to explain to him the trials of coming out in relation to both Bel, and E,  without actually using words like compulsory heterosexuality and all of that, and.. his response was to go "HMM SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW, WHO ONLY LIKES MEN WHEN THEY'RE PRETTY."

I'm mildly bothered still, but mostly by myself? Everyone thinks I'm gay and just a big closet case, and everyone who meets me thinks I'm gay,and I am a closet case, so maybe I am? Idk, IDK.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Weird thoughts:

I guess my eating habits in general are pretty disordered? Oops. Both of my parents only eat one meal a day, and that's not something I've ever been able to do, but then I hit college, started getting sick, and it's.. all that I basically do if I'm working, along with random fasting if I get sick, or if I'm on my period, or something else. And I'm still not regularly hitting my calorie counts, as seen by the fact my stomach has been growling steadily since 8AM.

And right now, I was like "I need to get food, but I feel sick", so I've been sitting here eating tiny graham crackers, and counting it as a meal. |D Which. Nooooo. I usually get tea or pop during the day, which boosts my calorie count, but I've cut it down to pure water due to doctor's orders, so.

It's just surreal to realise! I eat a ton of vegetables, so I don't really think of my eating habits as unhealthy? But vegetables are so low calorie, it's.. not really helping anything out and so is everything else that I'm eating right now. We've figured out once I hit 500 or so calories in one sitting, it sets off my stomach being a fuck, so the solution is supposed to be "make sure you're eating something worth 100 calories, at least, every hour".

Which I can do at home, if I actually remember to eat, no problem. |D But which is totally not happening at work, because there are fucking gnats, and it's pretty much impossible to keep them away from your shit.

(but I'm at home rn, so less twittering, more eating, I guess.)

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Feeling less like a wittery ball this weekend. That's good, I guess. Today will be a bit hell on wheels, but that's to be expected with THE CAGE.


Mostly feeling better lately, which is great. Less stress, even though there's no fucking reason to be less stressed? We'll see when I dig open my emails today, haha.

Spoke to people about being referred to as they! The reaction was less amicable than I'd prefer, honestly, and I'm not touching the topic with my sister or my family, because.. well, no, fuck that. But I also updated my profiles to refer to myself as gay on social media, so I feel a little less stressed about that, at least. And I updated facebook to they/them? Sooo.

Current rough plans for October/September, because it's fall and that means "Mar annually bullies themself into trying to be proactive and show interest in socialising:"

-> dinner w/ folks at the Renn Faire
-> dinner date with the LGBTQ group
-> coming out ball, which I'll drop by, but as we found out last year: there's too many fucking bars in the gay culture in this town
-> possibly the book club?

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay, okay, finally going to bed. Staying awake and wittering does no one any favours, lest of all myself.

I complain in here during spats of stress or unhappiness, which is misleading, I think: I've said this before and I'll say it again in that I'm not unhappy on average or depressed, I'm just.. constantly fucking tired and stressed right now, haha, which is not beneficial to me being an efficient adult in many of the ways that I really, really should be, and feel as if I normally am.

Case in point: getting myself so stressed out about exposing any possible vulnerabilities to someone that I intensely dislike that I've stayed up until 2:24AM. |D And I am sure none of this is helped by the fact I last ate.. fourteen hours ago? I tried cooking something earlier, fucking burnt it to a crisp on accident, cried about it, and could not muster the fucks to try cooking food like a competent human being, which is about a helpful assessment to how stressed I am staying lately, I think.

.. self-aggro language is also a sign of it, I think, which is also a sign of: go the fuck to bed, self, you've said you're doing it like eight times now over four hours. orz
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I wish I had the hyper aggression of fifteen year old Mar, instead of the chronic waffling of 25 year old Mar.

which is to say: I am pretty fucking pissed at myself for even letting any of V's shit stay in the game for this long, but equally lost at how to resolve it? Because it's not fair to the players to let her hang in the game, it's not fair to the chat to complain about her constantly while not actually removing her, but I'm perpetually worried that the fallout from removing her won't be P, Z and T leaving with her (ideal solution, tbh), but C removing themselves in solidarity, and R ghosting, because she doesn't do drama, and she has explicitly said she doesn't want to be associated with dramatic people.

Which: most of the activity is C & R, R has CR with pretty much everyone on her two chars, and so I'm hesitant on those grounds, because.. I'm not sure, especially given that everyone's on full time work again, much life there'll be in the game otherwise?

but at the same time: the game only being active on the weekends would be intensely superior to the current festerpot of agitation.

idk, idk, idkkk.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I severely, severely fucked up on Wednesday, to the extent that I would not have been surprised if I started vomiting blood, and was half expecting I would. I did not, thankfully, but I'm still half certain that I tore one of the spots in my stomach or something else, because it was just a complete fucking mess.

Everyone is tired of me locking myself up into small spaces and crying over being in pain at this point, but I think I'm at the top of the list, haha. I guess I should be happy that I'm such a feather weight that I don't actually gain weight? Otherwise, this would all be even more infuriating to deal with.

(I would like to be able to gain back a little bit of weight, though. Was at 112lbs again in full clothes and my steel toes on Thursday, I'm not keen to find out how much I weigh without them.)

I'm in a Mood(tm) today, which is aggravating, and the worst part of it all is.. I don't know how to really deal with them? Maybe I'll just go home and sleep. Or reorganise BWIC and set up its queue, I guess, because that's simple, people have requested it, and it'll make me happier, hopefully. Maybe.

I have yet another doctors appointment after work, so that's a thing. I think I need to schedule another, but I need to ask my sister to check - I'm so frustrated that I'm not pulling my weight on this part of things, but I'm frankly.. it's inherently selfish to sit here and be relieved that I can rely on her to help me with this, but she's great and I'm really, really glad.


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