Feb. 28th, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
It is legitimately hard for me to tell when my tendency towards being reclusive is.. natural, and beneficial, or when it's me being unnecessarily cagey. Dating attempts have always ended up with me realising that, while I'm down with people being emotionally vulnerable towards me, I have no fucking idea how to be emotionally vulnerable at people. This isn't really fair on my part, because it seems like that's what people always want, romantically or platonically, and I really should be capable of doing this?

I always just avoided having to build up the skill-set, because primary school through high school, emotional vulnerability was basically just painting a huge target on my back, with basically all of the people I considered friends. I don't really begrudge anyone for that, because.. even if they were older, we were all kids, and empathy was never really any of our strong points? I never got more than angry at them, and I was always pretty het up over something, so I was pretty easy to nudge and get an entertaining reaction when there was no one else around to nudge. They did it, I did it, whatever, I learned fairly quickly that you zip your lips and deal with your problems on your own time.

(But you should still fix other people's problems.) (Of course.)

So I've been trying, but it's so fucking uncomfortable. It's a skill I need to learn, but I'm not sure I like learning it, haha. It chafes! It's amazing and admirable that other people can do it, but I don't have the faintest idea how they avoid feeling like they've said too much. Doing it over the internet and over the phone helps, I think. I tried to talk to someone about something personal in person and no: I don't need the anxiety of trying to analyse every twitch in someone's expression, because then I start shifting everything around until I get a reaction I'm comfortable with. That's not beneficial to this whole "attempt to be emotionally honest and open with your peers" bullshit, and I just had my hissyfit over people being dishonest with me.

If I'm going to view certain behaviours as dishonesty - emotionally, if not logically - then I'd better step the fuck up. I hate people lying to me, but you have to be an awfully shitty person to engage in the type of behaviours that you personally find distasteful to receive.

And irrelevant to that, but:

Every single thing that I've been doing lately has come back down to control, haha. I want people to view me the way I want them to view me. I want my family to behave in the ways I want them to behave, I want people to treat them the way want them to treat me - and none of that's bad, mind, I'm not interested in being self-deprecating. It's just a fact.

Unfortunately, I can't control any of that, but I can control my presentation, so I've locked all of my past entries in this journal for a bit, because I've been using this as a little more of a vent journal than I'm necessarily comfortable with. I haven't been tagging, anyway, so this'll give me a chance to get a clean public face for easier categorisation while I go through and decide which bits of me I am comfortable having out in public. I might be trying out this godawful "emotional honesty" thing in private, but I don't need to have everything exposed to the general public.

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
ox-eyed

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