Mar. 3rd, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I'm in an exceptionally sulky mood the past week, which is just what happens if I get too far off schedule. Whatever, no big deal: it'll clear up over the weekend. I am going to get a pizza, I am going to bury it in cheese, I am going to watch a nice movie and turn off my fucking phone tonight, and that'll make sure it clears up.

 I'm just.. a little sulky over IRL stuff, haha. And friends referencing things that are old and reminding me of them and it getting compounded (innocently! haplessly!) by other comments. It's alright. Most of my aggravation right now is stemming from the fact I haven't eaten, and the fact I'm tired, haha. I wouldn't be bothered if I were actually on schedule, and if I'd slept. These are all such old, old issues: the fact I'm metaphorically hissing at the mention of them is not something that reflects well on me, and certainly not if I'm brooding over them.

Despite the fact a lot of my feelings right now are coming back to "I wish people would just be nice", I am not endeared by my proclivity this week towards dismissing any positive attention reflexively. I just.. have not been in a good mood for positive attention, I guess, which is absurd, because I'm usually a fucking sponge? And at least a facet of people trying to be reassuring / cheerful towards you is, like, making themselves feel better by making you feel better, so I know it's tedious for people to have me deflect or side-step or clarify nice comments, no matter how sulky I am personally feeling.

So: noticed, addressed, just say 'thanks' and move on, instead of being a widget. I appreciate the gesture deeply lately, I'm just.. stuck in this silly sullen funk, and I don't really want to complain about it to people, because I'll sound vapid and silly. Being vapid and silly is not an issue. I just wrote yesterday about how I keep everyone at work being nice to me and not huge fucking creeps by virtue of being vapid and silly and very, very firmly establishing that I COULD BE YOUR DAUGHTER, MOTHERFUCKER at every single possible moment. But that is not endearing me to the idea that people I do not have to perform for to treat me decently could view me as such, you know?

I did the health measurements yesterday for work. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS (once I feel like hacking into my school email to retrieve my password to do the quiz, at least). Stats were:

106 total cholestrol
41 HDL cholestrol
LDL cholestrol was too low to read, lol
Triglycerides was under <45MG/DL, so too low to read

Blood gluclose was 95mg/dl
BP was 101/68/60BPM, which I am.. mildly smug over, because my doctors keep telling me that random bursts of painful 90BPM when I'm sitting perfectly still and not doing anything is perfectly normal. Like, no, fuck you, that's a really big jump for me, I keep telling them my normal blood pressure is 60 or fucking lower. (Because I got hyped about the whole "STICK YOUR FINGER WITH BLOOD and now we prod it endlessly to retrieve blood" bit.)
 
So that's good, I guess. She claimed my BMI is 15, which is a filthy lie and I still have ten pounds to go, before I nestle myself into that particular ~*danger zone*~. This is not something I'm going to do, btw, that's why I'm getting pizza. :[

But she also took waist measurements, and a lot of people in the office felt terrible about it. Considering my last post, I'm not terribly fucking sympathetic.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Not related to my funk in any way, but:

I am also just really tired of the sheer amount of sexual predators in the fantroll community. It is legitimately just.. almost aggravating enough to make me want to quit, sometimes, I'm so tired of this and people's explicit refusal to interact in an appropriate way with fucking children. You can yell and you can shame and you can do whatever the fuck you want, but people don't care IRL, and people don't care online.

I am always dancing on the edge of quitting hobbies, tbh, and I'm not going to quit fantrolling. I enjoy it a lot, and once I actually make myself start roleplaying again - which, killing some threads is going to be a vital part of that, because there's too many right now and I don't care about them, they've been going over 3 months now, and everything just feels like too much and too tedious - but ugh.

They pop up on my dash, and I get actually fucking aggravated. It's.. not endearing. I don't usually get annoyed over things, and it's not a positive feeling for me. But I just really, really need to update my blacklist, because I'm not going to be the person that's like "I subscribe to 'guilty until proven innocent', so I'm going to demand you do too! :D', haha.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. also, slightly flail-y, but:

This girl has upped talking to me once a month / once a week to, like, texting me daily. And I enjoy this! She's a lovely person with fun conversation. My inclination to go out and socialise and spend energy on meatspace is very, very low, and I appreciate anyone who's willing to just accept that without question. I am less thrilled with the fact she's mentioned she's looking to meet nice women, and has mentioned this several times to me.

Like, girl, no. In the name of there possibly not being signals, I am going to politely ignore the very possibility of them outside of this, because: no~oo. She's too old for me! Like, it's not that big of a deal, honestly, but I'm not even twenty five, so. No~oo.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
This is in no way surprising or a new development, but:

My temperature regulation drops from 'functional, always slightly cold' to 'I have the space heater on and right next to my feet, u have my jacket on, I have my cardigan on my lap and I'm STILL cold' when I'm in a bad mood.

So, honestly, it may be less 'I'm in a bad mood' and more that I'm just exhausted and I'm not recognizing it? Part of the reason I'm so fed up with people IRL is because, like.. people keep telling me that I'm tired or fading or that I can't do certain events or things, because it'll wear me out and I won't notice until I'm completely spent.

And that's frustrating to hear. But if I'm just worn out still from Monday, which would make sense, I guess my general malaise has a reason, and I can feel less gross about it.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Food to make for this weekend:

> tiny thing of coconut milk to try coconut stirfry
> balsamic wilted spinach over pesto base, with roasted tomatoes / sprouts, shredded broccoli, ricotta, mozzarella, and honey mustard
> vegetable egg rolls???
> my life will substantially improve if I make white chocolate and cinnamon pumpkin cookies, lbr here

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
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