Mar. 7th, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I've been so cheerful the past few days! A lot of the stress has oozed off gradually, for which I'm thankful for. I'm still not really feeling like writing anything? I want to just draw, haha, but I'm making myself get over it to work on replies. And we're getting there. Slowly.

My mum has her kidney appointment on the 13th, which I've thankfully gotten my sister to go to instead of me, and I'm sure that it'll spike back up on the weekend as a result? Also, I'm getting iodine put in my veins and shoved in a cat scan or something on Saturday, so let me correct that: I am definitely going to be more stressed from Sat on.

But that's in the future, not right now.

Even with all the stress and everything else, I am happier lately than I have been in ages, and that's nice. Not in the short term ages, but long term! I have been thinking lately about the fact that I get so incredibly, delightedly surprised whenever people do certain things for me that I just, like, consider normal gestures on my part - but overall, I've never actually had people mirror that behaviour back at me, and now I have people that regularly ARE, and it's just.. deeply satisfying? Haha.

It's nothing outstanding by itself. It's just that I get platonically weak at the knees for recripocity, especially when it's unprompted, and it's nice to have the sort of friendships I've been aggressively courting from people for the last three years, pfff. And it makes my focused friendships a lot more satisfying, too, because I feel less bad about nudging people who want my support (and don't want to give anything in exchange) over towards their other friends or partners.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 Huh, I never thought about it before, but: part of the reason I'm perpetually unimpressed by my friends love of being foodies is, like.. the assumption that the addition of extra labor makes it better?

I appreciate the fact that they enjoy it. I really like seeing the stuff they cook, even if their taste in cuisine is wildly different from mine, because they like it and they're passionate about it. But the implication of greater worth attributed to hand grown tomatoes lovingly procured from your own garden is very.. classist, in an unpleasant way.

And they're all soundly upper middle class, so that makes sense, I guess! IDK, my friends who just like cooking and baking new dishes are not aggravating in the same way, because it's a hobby, not a way of being able to insinuate that they're doing things better, by having the time to put in more work, pfff.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
How many times can I inform someone that I LOVE THEEEEEEEEM before it gets weird? >:D

joking, I don't do that with guys, they'll turn anything fucking weird and then I have to turn it into an elaborate "I am fond of you in a deep well-spring of platonic affection kind of way, like a brother, like someone I do nOT want to fuck (even with the lights out), NO HOMO BRO, LET'S FIGHT", but ahhh. I'm just so pleased, like, about this guy's entire existence, in a completely platonic way.

super platonic, I don't like his face, pfff.

It's just.. interesting! Every time I feel something more than mild affection towards people, I  get uncomfortable! It's weird, it's weird, I'm still half-way certain that I'm not doing it right, because like. I'd be sulky if I didn't talk to him! Or the other handful of people that inspire this! But it wouldn't be a big thing, people come and go, it's not a big deal, haha. IDK. People act so incredibly batshit about losing friends, and I'm not sure I've ever gotten that. CLEAN BREAK, you miss the company, but it's not like they're dead, and you'll find new people.

IDK, I've always kind of accepted I don't do affection and attachment right, pff. Maybe I never will! But I keep latching onto people lately and I just kind of want to just roll around in the warm feelings it inspires, haha. Like: don't get me wrong, I like everyone I associate with. I am too good at ghosting to have it otherwise. But.. idk, idk, I'm too tired to delve properly, and I'm not sure if I have the phrasing for this, anyway. x) I have always viewed people who get too attached to me as weird, because I don't.. do that, very much, and now I'm actually doing it, and it's weird! It's so weird.

Dane is fumbling into emotional nuance again and it's weird, news at eleven, I'm going to kick the next person who calls me a sociopath in the teeth.


hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

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