Mar. 27th, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. this is entirely petty, to be perfectly clear here, and should easily be resolved, except this is stepping directly into areas that I'm aware are Issues for me in my interpersonal relationships, and it's making me.. aggravated? It's one thing to, like, impartially note that I have problematic tendencies in the people I get attached to, and to actively work to ensure I seek out people who don't fulfill those criteria.

It's another to realise I've ignored my warning signs and waded cheerily into a friendship that is not actually ideal for me. Which: I'll tone it down, and I'll comment on the things that are abruptly setting off huge sirens, it's chill, but this is unpleasant and I don't like it.

I am also unfond of how sexual people keep getting about a character who's.. explicitly not very sexual, and who I'm not close to OOC. I don't know their boundaries, I don't trust them not to make this fucking weird, and I am increasingly getting aggravated that people apparently want ~~sexxxxy banter and fluff~~ from a character who's main defining trait in her two major relationships is that she is *actively emotionally abusive in one* and she maimed her partners face in the other. Like, okay, she has one relationship possibly lined up that is genuinely healthy and I love it, but that's just turned out that way.

Also, she's a character that I've noted repeatedly is basically ace, and doesn't have any interest in sex, she just puts on a big show of being a womaniser and flitting from relationship to relationship for the press. Like: legitimately have two characters who are promiscuous and don't think sex is a waste of time unless there's active benefit, I'm not sure why people are honing in on THIS GIRL for dynamics that would work way, way better with either of the other two.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I have been like "ah, yes, the surge of good cheer that comes with a renewed crush" lately because that's how my brain works - I get a crush, and I don't really get over it, sometimes, as I cycle in and out of it steadily? It's nice for me, it's not something I think adversely affects the way I treat people or actually comes across, and I know it's transient, so I don't have to feel like a huge creeper. (Crushes are creepy, lbr here. Or maybe that's just the control freak in me speaking. x) )

But I'm starting to think I'm just making myself stay relentlessly cheerful, because I keep getting these arbitrary spikes of genuine irritation, and it's not endearing, haha. Maybe it makes sense, though. I apologised to my sister for being too whiny the other day and she said I've been in a flare up for the entire week, so it's to be expected - and I didn't think of it that way, but I guess I have been.

(I also told her that I'm not managing to eat enough calories per day lately, and I'm not sure how to fix that when I have to stay functional for work. She said I eat more than I think, so don't worry about it, and then yesterday, she freaked out mildly when she realised I'd only eaten 800 or so calories between lasagna + pasta earlier. Like, it would be nice if people could ever believe me when I actually just.. tell them things, without saying that I'm wrong until they can see it themselves.)

(Bluhhh.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay, yes, this mood is absolutely a result of me being in pain, goddamn. It feels like my stomach is about to crawl out of my boots. I don't know how it got there, but it wants to LEAVE. otl

And I took ibuprofen! This weekend has been kind of miserable - 20hrs of sleep, sore every fucking where because that's what sleeping does lately, and my stomach revolting if I tried to eat, and rending its flesh if I didn't. So I guess I should've known today would be hell on wheels. WHAT A FOOL I WAS FOR NOT EXPECTING THIS. orz orz orz
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
ME: If I eat this entire pizza, it'll cover the calorie deficit from yesterday, and make me hit.. almost enough calories today!

I got three bites in and I'm dry-heaving. For fuck's sake. I'm not really sure why it's hard to actually eat food when I want to eat food and I need to eat food. I skipped the whole mess of ever developing an eating disorder, I don't know why my body is convinced that it's going to just force the issue, no matter what I fucking want.

grump grump grump. I'm not in a bad mood, I'm actually decently cheerful, I'm just tired and I want to eat without getting sick from pain, or promptly throwing up, because nothing wants to stay down. otl

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
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