Apr. 14th, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I've been trying to eat twice a day, and taking these enzyme pills.

On the plus side: severely, severely dampened pain. My stomach is pretty much now growling non-stop, though, which is aggravating.

On the bad side: I'm at 110 goddamn pounds, and I don't understand why I keep dropping when I am putting in calories and I am not increasing my exercise. I also really don't understand why I'm dropping pounds suddenly, when it's been like, 5lbs every six months otherwise? /o\

I don't want to be at, like, 100lbs. I will not look charmingly skinny at 100lbs, I will be a goddamn stick and none of my clothing will fit. I tried on pants from freshman year the other day, that I haven't been able to wear comfortably since I was sixteen and haven't been able to even wear in four years (but they're purple jeans with neon blue rhinestone flowers, so I refuse to toss them) and they fit, which.. I hate this?

I want my body to behave. There is literally no fucking point in eating if it's apparently still encouraging my bodies desperate desire for a goddamn eating disorder.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
The proper response to any / all of this is not TEARS, it's to go out and finally get my fucking food, but apparently it's that kind of day. I know this is because I haven't eaten anything except for breakfast, haha, I'm just.. stressed and exhausted and resentful of everyone in this family right now, because "please bring me back food when you're collecting food for everyone else in the house, since I'm stuck on fucking baby-sitting duty" resulted in "no, biscuits are a waste of money, think of something else -- wait, I'll just get you something!" resulted in, when my sister finally walked in: "-- well, I figured you could eat a bagel with spicy cream cheese from the fridge!"

I can't eat dairy. hahaha.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
'has anyone told you you're tiresome' is not, actually, a funny joke.

I can't even say "what the fuck" because it's the usual banter, but - I'm obviously not in a great mood, I'm obviously not going to respond to that with a joke back, why would you even say that. Why do people have the social graces of particularly inept penguins?

(The answer is "it is half a joke, and it is half an honest statement that me being upset is tiresome to deal with" - but, like, everyone can go fuck themselves, I'm allowed to have emotions that aren't just complete sunniness.)

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hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
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