May. 25th, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Little less seethingly hysterical today. We'll see how this goes with A. in the office.

I'm.. just ready for the weekend, haha.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 On top of everything else, my mums former bff and my pseudo aunt is being alarming and suicidal siren warning signs on FB, and I have no idea what to do, or how to help. We're not close. I don't really get her, and like - she's got so many of the same issues as my mum, but there's an unfortunate class gap that she's hyperaware of and that I don't know how to bridge, either.

I am just. There is too much on my plate lately, and I think saying that you can't handle something is largely a cop out - of course I can fucking handle whatever gets put on my plate. What's the alternative? You either keep moving until it gets better or falls into a rhythm, or else.. there really is no other option? Always putting one foot in front of the other is just part of being an adult.

But I don't really want to handle it. I am, and I can, and I will, but goddamn if climbing into a hole for a few years and not coming out isn't a great fantasy right now.

Oh, well, I just need to pile up on shit that's not stressful to balance it out. And figure out what that is, because I'm out of books again, ugh.

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
 I'm just stress prattling in here today. I'm not like, having an emotional breakdown or anything, I'm just.. not doing great, and I need to dump this shit somewhere so that it's said, it's out, it's gone and it's not festering, because I've forced myself to think it through.

So: I am not as stressed as I could be. My OCD is not flaring up in any of the typical ways. Too destress, I probably can just lean into organising things - my constant prattling at poor Cloudy over shoving all of the logs into a private tumblr, so I can make a tagging system and people can find plots/characters easier, in hindsight, was probs because I am stressed and that's an easy, manageable goal for me to pursue that feels both social and helpful.

What will also help is making a list of all the IRL things I need to do, and actually doing them. I'm tired and they're looming, and they're not going to stop looming until I do it, so being tired is frankly irrelevant and I need to get off my fucking ass.

... I'm so tempted to say eating more will help? But ugh. I brought popcorn to work and we can all see about how well that's helping to stabilise my mood.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am always.. very satisfied by the fact I can be in any amount of upset and not actually show it very much? It's a defense mechanism, yeah, but it's a really useful one, I think. If it's not my body actually fucking with me, I am pretty stone-faced!

That's such a huge fucking relief. Like, yes, I'm a bucket of stress right now, but fake it until you make it! If no one can tell, that's almost like it's not happening!

.. which is the most depressing statement of the year.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Okay! I'm finally, finally, finally winding down. That was a great eight hours.

I wonder, honestly, if my occasional full day tizzies are just, like.. thyroid attacks? There's nothing that warranted that level of flat-out distress today, honest to god. It was all very chill. I shut my office door for an hour and just.. hyperventilated, basically, at the end, which: wtf self? I didn't get this stressed during finals with a dead dog, a dead computer, and no car.

But all day was basically the closest to a panic attack that I have, and I've been having these in conjugation with my symptoms increasing, I'm starting to realise. And thyroid attacks can feel like anxiety attacks, according to people.

so: hmm.

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