Jun. 14th, 2017

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I really, really, absolutely have to start keeping better records of everything, and I don't know how to do it in a way that doesn't set my OCD off. It's unfortunate, but I have to figure it out: it's never been an option to ignore it, but I've been trying to, and that's a fuck-up on my part. An important part of being a responsible adult is figuring out how the fuck to do this.

So, I've been eyeing up alternative means of tracking and I think I've puzzled some out? We'll see how it works.

Doctor appointment came and went. They want to re-do the tests from last year for my gastric emptying and the endoscopy, because evidently, what I told the doctor sounded like gastritis was gastritis, and.. taking ibuprofen daily for the resulting twelve months likely hasn't done anything to help? He said that I might have ripped lining in my stomach, going by some of the symptoms, but he's largely mystified.

Everyone is always mystified. I was seen by the resident first, then the main doctor who I scheduled with, and then his colleague in turn, and.. apparently there has to be something wrong with my reflex, because I ate breakfast at 8AM, and he asked if there was food in the back of my throat at 10AM, when they finally got me into the room, and got very startled when I said yes, there pretty much always is. But I don't know. They want to put me on steroids, and they want me to quit taking ibuprofen, and I'm just.. sort of stressed out in general by this.

Because I've been trying to get this resolved, but the thing about it is, if I'm honest: I haven't been trying as hard as I can? It takes so much energy! It makes me want to fucking cry whenever I think about this too much, because I can't ever manage to shake the feeling that I'm just.. portraying what is just a glorified eating disorder as an actual disease. I know this is not the case. logically speaking: I'm not batshit, every test result that's come back says that I'm not batshit, it's just.. really, really fucking hard for me to lose this constant hum in the back of my head, reminding me that I could be batshit, and that I could be making all of this up, and.. it's silly, honestly, and writing about it only supplies validation that it does not deserve to have.

But, but, but. My own mental hang-ups are not a reason not to do better, and the burden always falls on my sister to pick up my slack when I'm not. The only reason I'm even back at the doctor again is because she got tired of me crying 24/7 over being in pain, because I was pretty much just like "THIS IS MY LOT IN LIFE, THIS IS NORMAL, THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD". And it's really, really, really not fair to her to, like.. let her carry my slack? She says she's fine with it, but the thing about it is that I'm not.

Being in pain is not an excuse not to do things. Being tired is not an excuse not to do things. This is less an instance of "I am incapable of doing it" and more "I do not want to do it", but part of being an adult is acknowledging that you don't want to do it, and then fucking doing it anyway. It is always very distressing to realise that I have been behaving immaturely in some fashion or another, but you can never improve if you don't address your flaws.

So: trying to figure out a way to keep better records. Trying to figure out a way not to go completely batshit. Trying to keep better track of shit ta work. Trying, trying, trying, and hopefully we're going to start seeing more results.


hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

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