hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. weird thing about reciprocity, while I'm thinking about it. This is not about anything in particular: someone asked me to draw their character last night and then, ah, never actually responded to me posting the pic, and then there was a discussion of reciprocity at a later point, both of which have me thinking about it today. But it's also just a general accumulation of thoughts.

The reason I don't do portraits for any of my Exalted games anymore is because, like.. I like drawing other people's characters, sure, but I like making art for people primarily as a dialogue. I draw a picture, they give feedback, the picture gets tweaked to something that is visually satisfying to everyone involved, and my entertainment from the process comes in the fact I have someone else actively involved in it.

Every once in awhile, I offer up people art in Exalted or roleplay in general, and.. no responses, no comments, you have to drag a reply out of them, and it's like "???". It's not like I'm drawing for the accolades, haha, but it's just interesting to offer to make something, someone says yes, you make it, and then.. no response, beyond "thanks!".

Which.. I'm specifying art here, but I do the same with cakes! Or baked goods in general, if it's more time-consuming than chocolate chip cookies, because, like.. weird differing expectations? I'm not anticipating a five minute conversation on a gift, because that'd be silly and I don't want to slog through that, but my standard response to a gift is:

> "oh, thanks!"
> something that I like about it
> commentary on the gift, or on what I'll do with it, so they know I appreciate it

Most of the time, that's three sentences! At most, that's, like.. a two minute conversation, if they tag onto the response rather than letting the conversation drift.

IDK. I like making people gifts, and I don't think I've ever given someone something that they're ungrateful for? Ungrateful is a very harsh word! But I do sometimes feel like I offer people up shit, and instead of them going "ah, this is nice! awesome!", it's.. feeding into an expectation of the fact that this is just what I do, rather than an expression of affection.

(I think a lot of people view my social maintainence the same way? Like, I offer up emotional support to a lot of people, and I can count the number of times I've actually been thanked for it on one hand? There's an expectation that, because I've done this in the past, I will always do this.. and given that I very rarely have people actually offering up support in the same sense, the thought people think that I'm doing this because I am somehow obliged makes me kind of want to burn down every relevant bridge and flounce to nicer people.)

(But, okay, no. I broke my ghosting habit. Not gonna lean back into it now. I.. joined an entire RP forum just to ghost on it in a week, I am already leaning back into it, so I don't need to lean in more.)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Note to self: you could probs stand to be a little less self-reflected sometimes, haha.

which is to say: ask how other people are feeling a little bit more! Being tired is not the best excuse for someone having to repeat themselves like three times, friend.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. and this crush can officially also go and fuck itself, I'm done with it. This is entirely unrelated from the other two posts, it's just hit the point of officially more aggravating than endearing.

I am tired of all variants of feelings, please, I'd like to send them back. x)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
FRIEND: Yeah, my coworker took a toy duck from someone else's desk, and then hung it in a noose above our black coworkers desk.
FRIEND: Tasteless, but that's not racist, right? I'm sure he didn't mean it to be racist.

And now she's explaining to a black lady why it's probs not meant to be racist, and she said it was uncool, and that coworker has said racist things to that coworker before, but she's SURE he's just not understanding the office culture, it's not that he's racist --

Things that kind of make me consider just moving to Alaska. Why do people find it hard to admit someone is racist? What do people even have to DO before this behaviour is accepted as intolerable?

Also, why do I keep making friends with these people? orz It's so constantly frustrating to be like "this person is nice, we both enjoy each other, they have good opinions", and then: oh, whoops, it's time for a discussion on when a lynching reference is just a suicide joke aimed at the only black person in the office.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. okay, these enzymes are not quite a magical bullet, considering that I have been awake since 3AM with stomach pain. But on the plus side: I was perfectly fine all day yesterday. Maybe this is because I ate chips right before I went to bed?

New experiment: try not eating anything for a few HOURS before bed, and see if I still wake up feeling horrid. (My stomach keeps growling, so maybe I'm just hungry? But I don't think hunger makes you feel like puking. IDK, IDK.)

I feel better than I did yesterday, though, which is good, and I'm glad that I broke down the issues that I'm having with people like I did - it's easier to assess that way, and the conclusions I drew in each case is just about right. It helped that I explained it irl and got opinions on.. my opinions, haha, because what are friend groups for, if not splitting your social circle up so that you can get impartial opinions and analysis? It's always nice to get reassured that I'm not over reacting, or being silly.

Speaking of which, semi related, but - one of my friends said that they didn't feel comfortable discussing another friend in private, and I get that entirely. I've gotten occasional spats of anxiety over people discussing me in private before, and that's part of the reason I've been disconcerted by things like, idk, nona memes discussing my shit, or stumbling across / friends forgetting to filter journals that talked about me.

But it's just an interesting view, I guess, and one that feels slightly.. archaic? When people upset me, I form a response, then I crowd source opinions about it - like, one of my earliest memories of being online was one of my friends prompting me to send them a chat log when I was seven, so they could see what I was frothing furiously at our mutual friend over. When people text me, if it's funny or cute, I'll share it. I have spent a frankly unnecessary amount of time singing the accolades of a friend in private to a lot of people. It's personally weird to realise that people remember you exist when you're not dealing with them, or at least, it is for me?

But it's not something I'd ever consider harmful! Like, for clarification, this was just "how are you, how are you feeling, if you will find talking through this to be beneficial to you, then you can talk and I will listen / be a sympathetic ear", not shit talking, haha. Shit talking, or sharing private information, is always a dick move. x)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
There is something unnerving about totally pissing someone off just by virtue of.. being tired? I can't help being tired, or not being chatty when I'm in a downswing. It's literally at the level of "do I want to stay awake and keep moving" or "do I want to maintain these conversations" some days, today of which is one of them.

I'm not going to apologise for being sick. I don't even have the energy to do my usual "I'm sorry you're upset!" appeasement dance. But it's just very much, like.. I don't like this, either, so why get mad at me?

IDK, IDK. I'm so fucking exhausted, and sleep lately hasn't done jack. But I ate breakfast and I ate lunch and I am eating dinner, and I haven't had pain from any of it. so, that's good.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
Doctor's appointment tomorrow, in which the doctor will use new and exciting new terminology to say "I don't know, and I'm not sure I should know." BLUH BLUH, ect.

But on the plus side: I got all three of the looming awkward conversations out of the way today, with very little actual awkwardness! This is a nice reminder that nah, I'm aright at people, even when I don't feel like dealing with them at all. which has been basically everyone today, haha. I love people lots, but I'm so tired of them. If I hear another human voice, I'm about ready to shriek. (A beautiful mood to return to the office to, but fortunately, I just keep my door shut and that's solved, haa.)

Oversocialisation aside: my sister is amazing, and I love her loads. She's set right now to have all of her loans down to 4K by the end of the year, she's got 30K in her retirement, and she's cut down on her drinking, and she's got money in her savings, and bluh bluh bluh, I am intensely proud. She's dietting to drop her weight and keeps giving me updates, because I told her some of the things were concerning in light of her issues as a teenie, and it all.. seems healthy? I dunno! I have read up and everything she says is sound, she's noting the unhealthy behaviour on the part of other folks in her circle of people she's collected for this, she's still eating regularly and she's losing at a steady rate.

So that's good. I'm proud of her! I am frequently just really hideously proud of her, because she's smart, and amazing, and this is not the job she wants? But she's secured a high-paying job, she keeps moving up, she's already looking at places that will double her income, and UGH. She's the best. >:[ I want to sing her praises to everyone and anyone, because she can be a total asshole at points, and I wish she was more ruthlessly ambitious, and I wish she wasn't so pushy about my stuff all the time, but. She is also just really, really fucking great, and I hope I'm doing as well as her at twenty six. Or twenty seven. However old she is!!
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. okay, but maybe I am accidentally playing into the "make it weird" thing with him BY sending hearts??


(I am not affectionate irl with dudes, so, like, you'd think that would prevent it from getting weird!)

(Maybe this is not weird, and it is actually I who is MAKING this weird rn, by over-thinking it in an increasing clusterfuck of weirdness. Weird still looks like a word rn. I feel like this is an accomplishment.)

(\o/ /o\)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I really wish I could take today off, but I'm not apt to use up my vacation days. I think I'll do it on Friday, and then have three days straight to try and just.. figure out a way to soothe this shit. Someone suggested just continuously walking for an hour or two every day and see if that does anything (other than make me puke into bushes), because it's gentle exercise that won't fuck me up or exhaust me, and if it's a nervous system disorder, walking.. helps?

I don't knooooow, I'm exhausted and not really doing the "straight train of thought" thing, haha.

I know that I like people infinitely better when I can hear their voices instead of just seeing their text, but it's amazing that my opinion of someone has improved about 5x just from chatting with them on voice while we play video-games. I didn't dislike them before! I just didn't go out of my way to talk to them, because I can't fucking read them and I want no parts of that. But now I have a tone to set to their words beyond "irritated", which helps out a lot, I think?

I don't know. I literally grew up on the internet, it's been a huge chunk of my social life since I was in first grade, so you'd think I'd be less like this? but apparently not, haha!

hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I've always been mildly incredulous towards people who claim that they just see someone and know, immediately, that they're going to be BFFs / marry this person / whatever.

Except I was teasing someone about that and realised.. I've done it twice the past four years? Just seen someone and immediately gone "NO, we're going to be friends, this is going to be great" and proceeded to make it happen, haha. More like instant, two-second, he said "hello!" and I said "BEST. FRIENDS. FOREVER." in the first case, more gradual in the second, but...

There is always something mildly charming in realising that I thought I was making fun of other people, but in reality, I'm apparently making fun of my fucking self, haha! Like, it's the fun kind of self-deprecation, okay. x)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
I am increasingly mystified by people that I've spoken to for.. less than six months actually being a shit about the guy I've been friends with for the past three years. I made a completely separate chat specifically so that she, C and M would not have to deal with him. I did not kick up even the slightest bit of a fuss to their faces over their language regarding him, because I asked for opinions - and, alright, I did not expect some bizarre personal judgements, but sometimes you don't get the answers you expect. That's fine.

I don't actually give a fuck if they like him. I want them to behave like adults and not be rude about him to my face? This is not difficult. This is something you learn in primary school.

I will be politely put off in private and keep on my game-face in public, because moderators are impartial, and I, for one, am a goddamn adult. I'm going to be aggressively friendly at him, and so will Z and T, at the very least, and I'm.. not going to engage in conversations where he's being blatantly fucking ignored, what the hell. Or include her in conversations, when her stated intention is to knock him out of them.

But, like, I feel a little bit like that entire question was a set-up to state that she was going to deliberately snub him, because that's exactly what I'd have done when I was sixteen.


(The idea that she did it because she's awkward is not actually much better? SHE'S TWENTY SIX.)

(This is not the kindest post, but I don't actually like her enough to be particularly nice about this in my ownn space, to be honest! Especially because.. she agrees with his opinions, but objects to him being outspoken about them? Are you fucking serious?)
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
How many times can I inform someone that I LOVE THEEEEEEEEM before it gets weird? >:D

joking, I don't do that with guys, they'll turn anything fucking weird and then I have to turn it into an elaborate "I am fond of you in a deep well-spring of platonic affection kind of way, like a brother, like someone I do nOT want to fuck (even with the lights out), NO HOMO BRO, LET'S FIGHT", but ahhh. I'm just so pleased, like, about this guy's entire existence, in a completely platonic way.

super platonic, I don't like his face, pfff.

It's just.. interesting! Every time I feel something more than mild affection towards people, I  get uncomfortable! It's weird, it's weird, I'm still half-way certain that I'm not doing it right, because like. I'd be sulky if I didn't talk to him! Or the other handful of people that inspire this! But it wouldn't be a big thing, people come and go, it's not a big deal, haha. IDK. People act so incredibly batshit about losing friends, and I'm not sure I've ever gotten that. CLEAN BREAK, you miss the company, but it's not like they're dead, and you'll find new people.

IDK, I've always kind of accepted I don't do affection and attachment right, pff. Maybe I never will! But I keep latching onto people lately and I just kind of want to just roll around in the warm feelings it inspires, haha. Like: don't get me wrong, I like everyone I associate with. I am too good at ghosting to have it otherwise. But.. idk, idk, I'm too tired to delve properly, and I'm not sure if I have the phrasing for this, anyway. x) I have always viewed people who get too attached to me as weird, because I don't.. do that, very much, and now I'm actually doing it, and it's weird! It's so weird.

Dane is fumbling into emotional nuance again and it's weird, news at eleven, I'm going to kick the next person who calls me a sociopath in the teeth.
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

I'm like "I like talking to people", but oh my god I talk to too many fucking people and it's wearing me out, haha. orz
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
.. also, slightly flail-y, but:

This girl has upped talking to me once a month / once a week to, like, texting me daily. And I enjoy this! She's a lovely person with fun conversation. My inclination to go out and socialise and spend energy on meatspace is very, very low, and I appreciate anyone who's willing to just accept that without question. I am less thrilled with the fact she's mentioned she's looking to meet nice women, and has mentioned this several times to me.

Like, girl, no. In the name of there possibly not being signals, I am going to politely ignore the very possibility of them outside of this, because: no~oo. She's too old for me! Like, it's not that big of a deal, honestly, but I'm not even twenty five, so. No~oo.


hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

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