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Also, just general good cheer stuff:

> new bag came in! it's pretty small, no padding, but will fit my water, pills AND tablet, with room to spare. and it sits neatly in the small of my back, so no more awkward hip-chafing. also, it's cute. I am pleased, haha, I'll probs take it to Chicago with me.

> I may or may not be mostly pleased because now I have the full satisfaction of getting to carefully pack my bag full of shit again. organising! <3 <3 <3

> got asked if I wear mascara, which I always love, because I'm a horrible vain creature.

> adorkable nerd at work remains adorkable. I am sure he is as dreadful as the rest of my co-workers, but anyone who brightens whenever we make eye contact and then studiously avoids making further eye contact is just an endless delight to me. He has not managed to say more than three sentences in a row to me, I think, despite studiously making sure to greet me whenever we are even arguably in the same area. It's fucking precious.

> new pill prescription! I am incredibly hesitant to be stuck in any situation where I am theoretically dependent on medication to do anything, but goddamn if it isn't nice to be able to eat. sort of.

> am almost definitely not volunteering tomorrow, because I fell off the stepladder and I am a bundle of aches and pains as a result. but people aren't mad! and my sister actively was like "dON'T DO IT, SLEEEEP", so I'm pleased, haha. sleeeeeep. quq

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And to be FAIR, here:

Was that a miserable shopping trip? Yes.

Do I look really hot in a bandeau + unbuttoned button-up? YES, A+, officially okay with the high temperatures now that I've considered this fucking properly.

I may not have a six pack, but eyyyy, not bad.
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With that said, I'll wrap up complaining about her for the rest of the month, haha. It's not especially beneficial to anyone, but my goodness, I am just very tired.

The answer is probably to go sleep, but I'm doing stuff on Sunday and I want to play OW while I'm free. WOE.
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"Hey, I can't really bend today, because I'm too dizzy."

So she gets the 24pack soda that she's not supposed to be drinking, and cannot lift herself. Okay.

"Hey, don't sprint through the store, I'm tired."
So she takes the shopping cart that I've been leaning on, because I left my cane in my sisters car, and takes off across the parking lot. In 82F weather. When I always get slightly sluggish in SUPER BRIGHT SUMMER LIGHT if I'm not wearing my sunglasses.

She will be deeply regretful when she pulls this shit and I actually faint, I guess.
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'has anyone told you you're tiresome' is not, actually, a funny joke.

I can't even say "what the fuck" because it's the usual banter, but - I'm obviously not in a great mood, I'm obviously not going to respond to that with a joke back, why would you even say that. Why do people have the social graces of particularly inept penguins?

(The answer is "it is half a joke, and it is half an honest statement that me being upset is tiresome to deal with" - but, like, everyone can go fuck themselves, I'm allowed to have emotions that aren't just complete sunniness.)
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The proper response to any / all of this is not TEARS, it's to go out and finally get my fucking food, but apparently it's that kind of day. I know this is because I haven't eaten anything except for breakfast, haha, I'm just.. stressed and exhausted and resentful of everyone in this family right now, because "please bring me back food when you're collecting food for everyone else in the house, since I'm stuck on fucking baby-sitting duty" resulted in "no, biscuits are a waste of money, think of something else -- wait, I'll just get you something!" resulted in, when my sister finally walked in: "-- well, I figured you could eat a bagel with spicy cream cheese from the fridge!"

I can't eat dairy. hahaha.
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I've been trying to eat twice a day, and taking these enzyme pills.

On the plus side: severely, severely dampened pain. My stomach is pretty much now growling non-stop, though, which is aggravating.

On the bad side: I'm at 110 goddamn pounds, and I don't understand why I keep dropping when I am putting in calories and I am not increasing my exercise. I also really don't understand why I'm dropping pounds suddenly, when it's been like, 5lbs every six months otherwise? /o\

I don't want to be at, like, 100lbs. I will not look charmingly skinny at 100lbs, I will be a goddamn stick and none of my clothing will fit. I tried on pants from freshman year the other day, that I haven't been able to wear comfortably since I was sixteen and haven't been able to even wear in four years (but they're purple jeans with neon blue rhinestone flowers, so I refuse to toss them) and they fit, which.. I hate this?

I want my body to behave. There is literally no fucking point in eating if it's apparently still encouraging my bodies desperate desire for a goddamn eating disorder.

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> I used to do the "no one really likes me!" anxiety spirals frequently in high school, but those turned out to be justified, which makes it less "anxiety spiral" and more "a looming self-awareness", haha! I don't think I've done them in the last two years? Some personality types like K and J manage to thoroughly smack me right in the bad part of my brain, and get me back into that thought pattern briefly - bu~ut that was a good and helpful realisation to have, I think, and add to the list of personality types that are not necessarily great for my stress levels.

> I think I can count on one hand the amount of times that someone's actually hurt my feelings online in the last two years, rather than just caused fleeting irritation / distress on their behalf? That's nice! I have deliberately tried to cultivate a group of people online that aren't volatile enough to bug me, since IRL folks and family all exist in a low-key state of aggravating me, and it's mostly worked. Go me. \o/

> Friday off, will actually make and send easter boxes. I am so laaate, but I think "was stuck on less than 800 calories a day for almost an entire goddamn month" is a perfectly valid excuse for not having the energy to do anything. I'm also going to make either an irish bailey's creme cake, or else make double chocolate irish bailey's cream brownies, so I can eat them at work, and make cute animal bread to dip in soup.

I don't think either of those can be shipped, though, unfortunately. :[ Also, I'm going to have to ask my sister how the fuck you make things, like.. less high calorie? My baked goods are a diabetic attack waiting to happen, and that's never been an issue, but I don't want to be that person that gives out, idefk, a bag of six 500 calorie cookies and ruins everyone's sugar intake AND their diet, or whatever.

.. also, all of my cookies rotted last time, because they were too high calorie and I couldn't give them away. orz So I don't want a repeat of that, aaah.

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yesss, Chicago day-trip is a-go. also, potentially a New York one later?

My sister's opinion was 1) I'd have to take some kind of anti-anxiety pill to even get on the airplane, which is.. probs true, and 2) I get stressed out by markets and concerts, so a city is going to be 10x worse for me, because SO MANY PEOPLE. TOO MANY PEOPLE.

Except - it'll be unpleasant, yeah, but that's the sort of thing I should expose myself to and get used to in a controlled environment, rather than moving to some crowded downtown for a job and subsequently getting completely wiped the fuck out.

Also, I want to travel! And see things! And I.. will actually definitely need anti-anxiety meds for any flights, haha, the more I think about it, because I already get anxious about riding greyhounds, and planes are about twice to five times the speed of a greyhound. otl

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.. okay, these enzymes are not quite a magical bullet, considering that I have been awake since 3AM with stomach pain. But on the plus side: I was perfectly fine all day yesterday. Maybe this is because I ate chips right before I went to bed?

New experiment: try not eating anything for a few HOURS before bed, and see if I still wake up feeling horrid. (My stomach keeps growling, so maybe I'm just hungry? But I don't think hunger makes you feel like puking. IDK, IDK.)

I feel better than I did yesterday, though, which is good, and I'm glad that I broke down the issues that I'm having with people like I did - it's easier to assess that way, and the conclusions I drew in each case is just about right. It helped that I explained it irl and got opinions on.. my opinions, haha, because what are friend groups for, if not splitting your social circle up so that you can get impartial opinions and analysis? It's always nice to get reassured that I'm not over reacting, or being silly.

Speaking of which, semi related, but - one of my friends said that they didn't feel comfortable discussing another friend in private, and I get that entirely. I've gotten occasional spats of anxiety over people discussing me in private before, and that's part of the reason I've been disconcerted by things like, idk, nona memes discussing my shit, or stumbling across / friends forgetting to filter journals that talked about me.

But it's just an interesting view, I guess, and one that feels slightly.. archaic? When people upset me, I form a response, then I crowd source opinions about it - like, one of my earliest memories of being online was one of my friends prompting me to send them a chat log when I was seven, so they could see what I was frothing furiously at our mutual friend over. When people text me, if it's funny or cute, I'll share it. I have spent a frankly unnecessary amount of time singing the accolades of a friend in private to a lot of people. It's personally weird to realise that people remember you exist when you're not dealing with them, or at least, it is for me?

But it's not something I'd ever consider harmful! Like, for clarification, this was just "how are you, how are you feeling, if you will find talking through this to be beneficial to you, then you can talk and I will listen / be a sympathetic ear", not shit talking, haha. Shit talking, or sharing private information, is always a dick move. x)
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Alright, bad mood was entirely just being cooped up in the house and sulking over Saturday morning, haha. but I'm in a much better mood now. Did not end up buying anything, but did split a pasta dish, eat a pierogi, eat six squares of pizza, split ice-cream and eat most of a giant-ass samosa, without having anything past mild discomfort.

Guess I'm not lactose-intolerant after all! My pancreas is just a worthless organ that I'm going to sell on the black market for chitlings. \o/ I'm so grateful, I want to buy this doctor a fucking bouquet, and see if she can refer me to like, anyone who can figure out the rest of it. because I like eating! I really, really fucking like eating. But I also like not fainting or having my nails turn blue and being able to regulate my own temperature. x)

But on the note of stuff that's been bugging me, quick tally of shit to knock it off my chest and solutions, so I'll stop brooding.

Read more... )Read more... )Read more... )
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Invisalign is fucking surreal. I keep biting my lip and my teeth aren't hitting where my brain says they should. Or else I touch my tongue to them and my brain's like "you've got a milimeter to g-- never mind!"

I'm in such a weird mood, haha. I'm supposed to call at eleven to remind folks that we're going out, but I dunno if I want to go out. I keep sending things to people and then deleting them, because I'm.. not sure if I want to talk to people? The thought of dealing with anyone or anything is making me wilt, but the idea of being alone is equally unappealing right now. This is not a mood I am capable of really winning in. x)

Especially because I'm being needy. I do not like neediness, especially when it's coming from me, haha. There is something frustrating about wanting affirmation when I already full and well know that people enjoy my company. You're supposed to outgrow this! I know you can't control emotions, and what matters is controlling your portrayal - but I wish I could just shove everything in a box, and make them do what I want them to do. :[

whatever. I'll suck it up, and I'll go, and I'll have fun, and hopefully I'll actually buy shit. The problem is likely that I've just been in my own head too much lately. I'm about to go get dressed and help my sister do yardwork, because I feel like a wet rag right now, and.. maybe manual labor will help that out.

Or maybe I just need a break from the internet for awhile? I keep getting low-key frustrated with people, and I can't tell if it's over-exposure to certain folks, or if I've just been in a mood lately. Some of it is reasonable, and I just.. legitimately don't care enough to argue about it, or make people uncomfortable by debating things they think are fine, so I haven't said anything. But other bits are more.. probably just me being low energy, I think, and projecting my general ennui outwards.

.. I'd say a break from IRL folks, too, but hahaha, that's a little harder. Thank god tomorrow's Monday, and I have the lovely excuse of a work week to seclude myself until I'm being rational again.
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There is something unnerving about totally pissing someone off just by virtue of.. being tired? I can't help being tired, or not being chatty when I'm in a downswing. It's literally at the level of "do I want to stay awake and keep moving" or "do I want to maintain these conversations" some days, today of which is one of them.

I'm not going to apologise for being sick. I don't even have the energy to do my usual "I'm sorry you're upset!" appeasement dance. But it's just very much, like.. I don't like this, either, so why get mad at me?

IDK, IDK. I'm so fucking exhausted, and sleep lately hasn't done jack. But I ate breakfast and I ate lunch and I am eating dinner, and I haven't had pain from any of it. so, that's good.
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ahaha, I'm in an absolutely fucking amazing mood today. These enzyme pills are actually, like, making me able to eat? It's fucking amazing. I would sacrifice my firstborn child to this doctor: I eat and it's just mild discomfort (that is apparently bloating? I didn't realise that was an actual thing, instead of like, weird metaphors) instead of pain. If I avoid protein. quq

A sacrifice I"m willing to make!

But today is apparently the day I am incapable of actually standing up straight for extended periods of time. I have swooned three times since 5PM. Every time I get up, people keep bullying me into sitting down, which is UNNECESSARY and MEAN, because I'm not actually fainting? I'm just sort of tipping over.

But whatever! And honestly, I already knew this was like 2-3 issues in one, as manifest in my stupid nails changing colours, and, like, everything else, so I'm not even going to worry about that right now. I am going to EXALT IN THE FACT I CAN EAT, and get pizza, as soon as I find this goddamn buddy card.
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There is always the thin line between being affectionate, buoying someone's confidence and being Too Much. Apparently, in the middle of the night, I veered over to too much, haha. Thank god people find me endearing.

I am so fucking exhausted. These pills have been leaving me feeling really, really weird - like, I can eat without active pain, but it still leads to feeling really, really weird, which is apparently low level pain. (Low level pain, because my sister was like "how are you feeling?" and I blurted out "in a LOT OF PAIN, but not rea-- oh, I don't know why I said that, it doesn't really hurt that much? or at all? wtf self", haha. I can walk and move! That doesn't feel like pain!)

So, we decided to see if these pills would alleviate the pain I get from eating protein.

Eleven goddamn hours later, it is safe to say that they do not, and also, my body fucking hates me for playing games. Whatever, thank goodness for ibuprofen, there has been worse and there will be again, so I just need to slog through it. And right now, slog through it sufficiently that I actually feel capable of limping to the bathroom to get ready for work, and make sure my mother's awake.

Getting ready for the day is a drag. >:[

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I am officially doing the OOTD thing! People seem to think it'll be a good hobby, haha. Not, like, a super useful one, except in making me less fussy about my presentation, but I need to break out of the mind-set of "useful, saleable hobbies" vs. "useless waste of time hobbies" anyway.

Current blog name is fashionegrets! Once I get up a month of photos, I might go ahead and post the link on my main blog? But I am a little ridic skittish about old HS friends looking it over. It really doesn't matter if they make fun of my shit in private, because I legit will never see or catch wind of it, but.. it makes me vaguely antsy, anyway, haha! It's weird how you can not talk to people in nearly a goddamn decade, not give a damn about their opinions or lives, and still be uneasy at the thought that they might malign you.

.. but that's silly! If they're still engaging in the same game of ripping up people's appearances that we played in high school, and they're all nearly thirty, that reflects on them, not me. So whatever, brain, soothe yourself.

.. also slightly skittish about the fact people think I'm fashionable for some reason, instead of just knowing how to match clothing and wearing things that are form-fitting. I HAVE MISLED THEM. SOMEHOW. haha.

I sorted out most of my clothes and it's a weird realisation that, like.. I have a sleeveless turtleneck that I never really wore, because it's bright blue and gorgeous, but also thin as goddamn tissue, and a little small on me - which is a dreadful combination, obvs.

But now it fits! Now it's actually loose in places, and that's.. a bit unsettling, but eyyy, I can wear it, if I actually go buy a bra! Or.. something, I'm not really clear on how you're supposed to wear a shirt this thin and not have every single line of clothing underneath it show.
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I.. think I am going to start an OOTD blog! It'll be nice incentive to dress up more, and it'll be nice to showcase my favorite outfits.

Also, maybe I'll actually learn to take selfies that don't make me get immediately het up, haha. I like my face and I like my build to an absurd extent, and videos don't set it off, but pictures invoke actual uncanny valley. Which I should fix, I've taken maybe twenty pictures total since high school, haha.

But okay! Weekend goal: sort clothing, get rid of ugly stuff, go shopping!! My boss said I can wear what I want, so I might as well start.
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Apparently I am transparent as glass. I am appalled, haha, but also.. whatever, it's sort of amusing to just carefully never address something, and then get called the fuck out. Embarrassing? YES. But it's also amusing and satisfying that people know me that well.

I'm burying myself in books again lately, and I'm enjoying it! It's so fucking nice to chill out with a book again, and, like.. the only people who I'm actually worried about getting aggravated at me for not doing fantroll stuff are all being very low-key on it, so it's not like I'm holding anyone up by not replying. I think I'm going to just do a unspoken hiatus for a month or two and write my own shit, anyway, because right now, my interests are more firmly books and Overwatch.

.. mostly because I want to hit Platinum again, haha. Once I can and my competitive streak is satisfied, my interest is going to fuck off, because I know myself. x) but!

(I am.. not entirely sure if I was in Platinum, or just silver? The rankings are nebulous, and god only the number ranks are not working out. 1300 = 1800 = I told someone my health was "R" instead of "400" because 4.. looks like an R... and I'm fucking insane. DYSLEXIA. But whatever, I want to reach my season high again, and then I'll be satisfied.)

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Bags are currently down to Tom Bihn's medium or small cafe bag, though!

I just have to decide how much weight I feel like putting on my shoulders, haha. I always have the issue where I'm a reed and my bags end up wider than I am, which means they bump into my hip when I walk and throw me off balance. Or else they just throw me off balance, because I fill them up like I'm going to war, and then they're all on one side, and they're too HEAVY.

Things I ideally would want to carry in my bag daily, that I think should fit:
  • 32oz water bottle, potentially the 24oz tea bottle
  • all of my various cards, key
  • cellphone
  • mb a checkbook? I feel like this is an important Adult Thing to do
  • pack of tissue
  • pads, chapstick, bandaids
  • pens
.. that does sound like a medium cafe bag would be necessary. So I guess I'm getting that one. But it seems SO BIG??? I could always refund it, I guess, if I don't like it.
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5AM HEART SPAM FOR EVERYONE. Apparently I was dreaming about fluffy presidents? Alright, then.

0) I am having to deliberately train myself out of adding hearts to sentences with this dude, because I like him, but he's making it weird. Why you gotta make it weird, dude. :[

1) I am not a psychologist! I am not sure why people keep mistaking "I will be supportive, make sympathetic noises and offer solutions" as, like, justification for me actually fixing their problems. Like, okay, that isn't going to work unless you actually do what I say, instead of giving reasons you can't do it, and that's also not going to work, because I don't live in your shoes, I don't know all the specific deets of your problem, and I'm not getting paid for this, so I don't want to. D:<

Is it mean that I'm just like "please go talk to your s/o" when this comes up now? Because I'm so not up for continuing the narrative that one's partner is meant to take control of their emotional health and manage it, but also, they have signed up for that way fucking more than I did. I know people think that I am competent, and folks know that I like giving advice and steering things, but, like.. when it's something like "I can't do this thing, but I WANT to do this thing", and they don't want sympathy, they don't want minor solutions (eat/take a break/take a nap/re-arrange your expectations to something easier), and they don't want to vent, they just want me to fix it, that's no~ot what I signed up for by befriending someone.

.. is there no unexpected obligation I will not chafe under? Evidently fucking not, pffffff.

2) One of my friends explained that the bag I am looking for is probably a diaper bag. I have told three other people in a fit of pique and outrage, and the consensus so far has been 1) wow that's 30, and 2) well, maybe you SHOULD buy a diaper bag, that sounds convenient! I HAD TO EXPLAIN I AM 24 AND THAT IS TOO YOUNG FOR A DIAPER BAG. D:<

3) I am still in an exceptionally chill mood? I'm just in an overall high swing the past week, and that's fucking great, haha. I'm going to stop documenting it, because it was noteworthy at first, in light of "I am sick + BUT I AM HAPPY INSTEAD OF SULKY???", but. x)

I need to get a planner and set out specific goals for my free time again, tbh, because none of my stuff is progressing at a speed that it could be, and I'm.. entertained by it, yeah, but I should be better! LIKE ON OVERWATCH, oh my god. x) I do not realise how much I'm fucking up until I start playing with B or T, at which point my flaws are helpfully highlighted. In a fun way, which is super useful, because I'm getting things pointed out that I didn't realise I'm doing, and now I can work on those in my down-time.

(I'm glad that playing with me isn't terribly frustrating, either, pffff. I sort of wish I was more chatty / reactive in general, instead of my default response to most things being "HIDE YOUR LAUGHTER, RESPOND WHEN YOUR VOICE IS STABLE, omg omg omg >:"D", but hahaha, maybe I'll try working on that, too.)

GOAL: actually have fixed the issues that are pointed out between games! Also, try to pay more attention to what's being said on mic in the moment. We'll see how that actually goes, though, haa.


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