hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
More brief thoughts on the honesty thing:
  • this is likely just another stress symptom - I've been doing this for months, it's just been in this month, that I've started hardcore flip-flopping about it, undoubtedly as a result of redistributing stress from things I can't control (everything) to things I can (what I say)
  • Taking one time of talking to J and becoming convinced that I was being judged is silly, given the context of the conversation, and what she was saying, haha.
It's not like I'm not emotionally honest. Having set boundaries is not emotionally dishonest: it's saying "unless we've breached this level of friendship, I will not discuss these topics with you". That is perfectly normal. And the amount I disclose depends a lot on how much I like people, anyway, and trust them not to gossip. The people who complained that I was cagey and reclusive were just experiencing the gap where they felt sufficiently invested to share, and I explicitly did not - which is not my problem, no matter how many times I dance around that idea.

Just because I'm stressed out doesn't mean that I should be looking at past, negative experiences of me, and using them as cues on how I should reshape and fix myself, haha. When I'm not stressed, I like myself a lot. An absurd amount of a lot. And I have plenty of people who like me perfectly well as I am, so, like - it's always good to change, but I don't need to adapt myself to fit people that I don't even talk to anymore.

AND WOULDN'T WANT TO, because at least one of them only started hanging out with me after he tried to fuck my sister, and now I'm mildly suspicious of the rest. like: RUDE. CREEPY AS FUCK AND RUDE. >:c


hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)

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